ATI Launches Revolutionary
All-In Wonder

Convergence: lately everybody has been talking about the trend of combining unlikely technologies together. This can result in very interesting products, like a toaster that you can shave with (or a Shoaster, if you will), or a television that insults your choice in programming, "Ahh no, V.I.P.! Do we have to watch this? I wish I were dead..." Suicidal televisions may be more than just a pipedream. What a future!

This week's technology article at the MADHOUSE focusses on ATI Technologies C.E.O. Kwok Yuen Ho, a leader in 3-D graphics chips that is making his own moves into the arena of converging electronic devices. While other companies are merely talking about convergence, the lazy bastards that they are, Ho is actually taking action.

ATI is known for its video cards which combine 2-D and 3-D acceleration with T.V. output and video editing.

Ho says that he was always a little depressed when another one of his new video cards came out, "I always was a little embarassed and ashamed that we'd say ATI All-In-Wonder. It didn't really do everything. I felt so dirty, like I needed to be spanked. It couldn't congratulate you on a new job, or find the cure for cancer."

Just what the hell is Ho talking about? Well, it seems that Ho's new card, the new All-In Wonder, really does everything. Ho explains, "People talk about convergence, and they talk about fridges that can surf the net. Yeah, like that's impressive! Give me a break! The All-In Wonder can do that in its sleep."

If that sounds impressive, that's because it is. "We had students from DeVry, and I.T.T. tech working on this thing for over a year. I felt that these students were the only ones experienced enough to work on this project. Students from Cambridge, M.I.T., and Harvard simply didn't have the work experience that we wanted." Yet ATI plans to release the new card at a list price of $200. "We want this product to be extremely affordable. It will replace humans, and I will be the new ruler."

Can the All-In Wonder take care of your bratty kids? "Not only can care of them, but it will savagely beat them if they disobey its commands. The All-In Wonder doesn't screw around," bragged Ho. But can it take out the garbage? "Not only will it take out the garbage, but it will hurl it on your neighbour's lawn. The one whose dog keeps doing his business on your lawn." But can it replace humans when it comes to physical fulfillment? "I divorced my wife after the All-In Wonder and me got together. This thing can rock your world. She just wasn't good enough for me anymore," said Ho.

MADHOUSE can't wait for the new All-In Wonder. It sounds like a fantastic invention. But luckily we won't have to wait. Ho promised that the All-In Wonder should be out around Christmas time.

Ho closed our interview with some inspiring words, "Everything is possible and reasonable. Would you have believed 10 years ago what we have today? If you said yes, then you're a fat liar, and you have disgraced your family. Technology moves faster than a Taco Bell Burrito through your digestive tract." Inspirational words from an inspirational man.

ED - All Content 2000.