Bouchard Uses Time Machine To Create "Favourable Conditions"

Lucien Bouchard, leader of Quebec's seperatist party the Bloc Quebecois, recently used a time machine possibly of his own invention to go back in time to create the "favourable conditions" necessary for Quebec's seperation from Canada.

It was when the referendum finished and it became apparent that the BQ had not achieved the necessary votes necessary to begin the seperation process that Bouchard began contemplating using a time machine, friends revealed. This comes amidst rumours that Preston Manning has been attempting to obtain use of the time machine currently in the possession of the Progressive Conservative Party. Joe Clark has thus far refused to comment.

"Lucien became obsessed," a longtime pal and confidant revealed. "He just wouldn't stop. He began researching like crazy, experimenting with different methods. We all thought he was joking, until he went back in time and killed my father," one friend said, shortly before disappearing from existence in a puff of fourth-dimensional paradoxical logic.

After his attempt to sling-shot around the sun failed, Bouchard began working on blueprints for a time-travelling phone-booth, a sort of stainless steel time-car, and a giant Cheerio-shaped rock, labeled as the "Guardian of Infinity™." It is unclear which, if any, of these designs game to fruition, since some have speculated that Bouchard merely stole the time machine from a future historian. What is clear is that Lucien somehow gained access to a time machine, travelling deep into the past to change the very continuity of our time-line. This time machine has been labeled the "Toynbee Convector" by authorities.

The instant he left our time, a kind of tempo-seismic disruption of magnitude Beta-Alpha-7 on the Peabody scale (labeled a "time-quake" by our scientists) hit the planet, and Bouchard returned from the past to find the world a very different place. Instead of a liberated Quebec, he found that one Biff Tannen had taken over the province, turning it into a paradise of gambling and violence. "Great Scott!" exclaimed Bouchard, upon realizing that he had created this distopian existance. "This is heavy!"

Shortly after being dubbed a "butt-head" by our ruler Tannen, Bouchard returned to the past. Again, a more severe time-quake (Gamma-Omega-10 magnitude) hit the world, instantly changing the existence to which we had just accustomed ourselves into a new, Quebecois-ruled world.

"Victory is mine!" said Bouchard, upon returning to the present time. "Now, the Quebecois can live without the threat of the English scum corrupting our noble language." Just then, in an impressive burst of light, sound, and expensive special effects, the Time Police arrived in our era and arrested Bouchard - in the nick of Time.

Once the arrest had been made, Bouchard was sent to the escape-proof lunar mining prison of the year 2215 and time was restored to its normal flow.

The time machine was recovered by the Blackfoot Tribe 500 years ago.

RN, PW - All Content © 2000.