Dogs Launch A Desperate Plea At Mariah Carey: "Please Stop Singing!"

Dogs around the world recently gathered for the first official meeting of the DAMCS, or the Dogs Against Mariah Carey Singing. Their goal is to stop Mariah Carey from demonstrating her impressive vocal range.

The reason for this, dogs say, is the permanent ear damage and spontaneous skull explosions that have occured in the canine community as a result of Mariah Carey's singing. To date, 32,765 dog injuries have been reported as a result of dogs being subjected to Carey's music.

"Dogs have much more sensitive hearing than humans, " says Frank Hertzberg, head professor of Harvard's animal studies division. "Thus, they can hear a much larger range of frequencies. They are extremely affected by high-pitched noises. These noises are undetectable to humans, but excrutiating to dogs. Such high-pitched noises occur frequently in Mariah Carey's songs. In fact, in Mariah Carey's newest song, Heartbreaker, has over 200 instances of noises which are extremely damaging to dogs' sensitive hearing."

"I realize she's got a great voice, but that's not the point," says Cheech, Chihuahua and founder of DAMCS. "Just because her voice can reach insanely high pitches doesn't mean she has to demonstrate that fact on a regular basis. I lost my longtime friend, Chong, as a result of a Mariah Carey related injury. Our owner was listening to her C.D., and I guess Chong was just a little too close to the speaker. I heard this loud bang, and I went to investigate. Chong's damn head exploded because of Carey's damn song. Stupid asshole!! And another thing, for the love of god people, stop putting clothing on us. That really pisses us off."

The DAMCS is not just sitting around and hoping that Carey stops singing. They are fully prepared to take action if Carey doesn't stop singing immediately. Such actions include barking late at night for no reason, biting small children, and peeing on newly purchased carpeting.

MADHOUSE was able to reach Mariah Carey for comment. She didn't see herself as doing anything wrong, "I don't see why anything wrong with my singing. I mean it's not hurting anyone, right? Check this out, and see if it bothers you. Ahh-ahhhhh-AHHHHHH-REEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" Seconds later, 3 nearby dogs exploded. Mariah seemed more concerned about the resulting stains on her new Versace gown than the dogs' injuries.

Mariah, stop singing right now. If you're not doing it for us, then at least do it for dogs all over the world.

ED - All Content 2000.