Jimmy Crack Corn, And I Care

By Eric, the "Big E"

A lot of people don't seem to be annoyed by Jimmy and his devil-may-care attitude towards corn cracking, but I'm not one of those people. I don't care if the master's gone away, Jimmy, because your corn cracking is starting to grate on my last nerves. Jimmy, this is my plea to you, stop the damn corn cracking immediately.

Last night, around 3 a.m., I had just started to drift off to sleep. But just as I was nodding off, I was awoken by a loud noise. What do you think it was? That's right, it was that piece of shit Jimmy cracking corn like nobody's business. Why the hell do you half to do that late at night, Jimmy? Don't you know people are trying to sleep, you inconsiderate bastard? The corn cracking startled my dog, who proceeded to urinate on my bed. And let me tell you, it's not to easy to get dog piss out of fine linens. Since Jimmy made the fuckin' mess, I think he should get his ass over here and clean it up. Anyway, so there I was, lying in my smelly, piss soaked bed. I could barely fall asleep because of the overwhelming smell. I had to get up early for my new job at Taco Bell, but I got there really late cause I slept in. I had to make a run for the border when my boss started yelling at me like I'd killed his family.

That wasn't the first incidence of Jimmy causing trouble. I was relaxing on my couch a couple of days ago, watching a little of NBC's Passions. I was laughing hysterically at Timmy and Tabatha's wacky antics when, out of nowhere, a loose corn cob came smashing through my window onto my lap. Jimmy, that window sure as hell ain't free, asshole! Not to mention the fact that one of the glass shards become embedded in my genitalia, and I had to be immediately rushed to the emergency ward. Believe me when I say that it's hard to explain why you've got a shard of glass in your crotch. The doctors say I may never be able to reproduce. That may not be a problem for you, Jimmy, being as ugly as you are, but it bothers me.

I'm not the only one who finds Jimmy annoying. My neighbour Fred came over a while back, and asked what the fuck was up with Jimmy. I went into a whole rant about how I was going to get back at Jimmy for all the problems he was causing. Fred told me that one time he went up to Jimmy's door, and asked him if he could keep the corn cracking down just a notch or two, because Fred's kids kept getting woken up in the middle of the night. Then you know what Jimmy did? He picked up a cob of corn, brandishing it with a smile across his face, and he cracked it right then and there in Fred's face.

Jimmy thinks it's funny when I complain about him. I yell at him from my window, and tell him that if he doesn't stop cracking corn then I'm going to go over and crack his head open. Jimmy just sits there and laughs his head off, thinking it's the funniest thing in the world, and then he goes into overdrive with his corn cracking. One time, I got a phone call late at night, and I heard loud breathing, but you'll never believe what happened next. A loud cracking noise came out of the phone. I know it was you, Jimmy. Do you think I'm stupid enough to not know who it is? If I get any more of this shit from you, I'm going to cut your balls off and jam them down your throat. Are you listening Jimmy? You may think it's really funny, but I mean it this time.

ED - All Content 2000.