The Dentist: It Really Bites

By Eric, The Big "E"

You're seated by a seemingly innocent person in an extremely stiff, uncomfortable seat. But in a second you realize that the person was only escorting you towards your ultimate doom. A harsh, blinding light is shone in your face, threatening to burn your retinas to a cinder. Painful, noisy instruments are thrust into your mouth, causing insane amounts of pain. You get no sympathy, no mercy, from your captors. Is this some horror movie? A description of some sort of interrogation chamber? No, it's something much worse. It's the dentists' office.

Everyone goes about once every sixth months, for a check-up, and you know why? Because they tell us to! We're all like, "Duh, ok, sure thing Doc." A dentist is the only profession where you listen to someone telling you to come back. If a proctologist looked at you, and told you to come back every sixth months, you'd think he's some kind of pervert.

When you arrive to the dentist, don't even think that as soon as you're seated in the dentist's chair you're going to get service. Most of the time the person who brought you to be seated will tell you the dentist is on his way. Don't believe him. This person is known as the "Lying Bastard" in the dental profession. His purpose is to give you empty promises that will calm you down. You may also hear this person say, "This won't hurt a bit." The dentist, in the meantime, will be seen passing by your room a few times. It may seem that he's busy with other patients, but he's not. He bragging to his buddies about how long he can keep you waiting. He'll say, "Watch this guys! I'm going to cartwheel by the guys room. The moron probably won't even notice!" If you're not looking, then you may not catch him.

When the dentist comes in he'll scrape your gums with the pointiest torture instrument known to man. Then he'll say, "You're gums are bleeding. You should brush more." Of course they're bleeding, you moron, you're jamming sharp metal objects into my mouth. Sorry I don't jam my gums with metal objects on a daily basis. I should jam my pick in his forehead and say, "Gee, your forehead's bleeding... You should brush your forehead a little more." That would teach the bastard.

The funniest part is when the dentist gives you the stupidest advice on the face of the earth. "You should brush 4 times a day. Maybe, at school, you can cut class to brush," advises the sage himself. My dentist actually said that once. I could just picture myself, "Uhh..can I cut this test? I need to go brush, cause my dentist said I should." On second thought, that's a good idea. Anything is good to skip a test.

The dentist always acts like you killed his best friend if your teeth aren't the epitome of dental perfection. He'll say, "Oh my god! Do you even no what's going on back there? You missed your bicuspid 2-4, and now you've a dital canal." I try and excuse myself for ruining the dentist's life.

That brings me to another point, and that's dental terminology. Terms like impacted, canal, tunnel are all there to mask the fact that the dentist has no idea what he's talking about. In fact, if you listen, sometimes he'll slip in terms like wizzle-wozzle and doo-hickey.

Occasionally, the dentist's assistant will come in. It looks like he's helping him out with cleaning your teeth, and making small talk with the dentist. Again, this is a trick. The dentist and his assistant are laughing at you in a secret language. Here's some translations so that you will have an idea what is going on:

Statement: So I heard Bob is going on vacation.
Translation: I'm going to spray this kid's teeth with some of the vilest tasting crap on the face of the earth.

Statement: Can you turn this way please?
Translation: I'll distract this kid so he won't notice you preparing the implements of his torture. Man, they fall for this every time.

Statement: This will pinch a bit…
Translation: Hey, check this out! This kids going to let me numb his entire jaw. What a moron! If I'm lucky I can get the needle to go into his brain. That would be so cool. He won't even be able to drink, or it will run down his chin and make him look like an idiot.

The best part comes when the dentist comes in to do an X-Ray. He'll drape you in a lead vest, and leave your head exposed, then run away to another room to turn on the machine from a safe operating distance. That's a really good sign. He needs to be in a different room, and yet he leaves your head exposed to radioactive rays. On the plus side, I may mutate in the Incredible Hulk. Or be as impotent as a Nevada Boxing Commissioner. Then he'll show them to you as if they're photos of his kids.

Try to look interested as he points to various points on your X-Ray and spouts his babble. Say something like, "Oh yeah, that's great! I see what you're talking about. Mmm-hmm, I thoroughly agree." That ought to get him off your ass. Sometimes, for fun, I'll ask to see the X-Ray, but then the dentist gets really weird and defensive. He'll say, "No way! These are mine!" Ok, keep them, you freak! Go home and jack off to them for all I care.

As your leaving the dentist's office remember one thing. Run and don't look back!! I hate you, you bastard dentists. Big "E" will have his revenge.

(The Big "E" has throbbing pain in his jaw from the dentist picking at his gums with the "Pick Of Doom")

ED - All Content © 2000.