Dollar King Assassinated

A terrible tragedy has befallen one of the most respected leaders on this entire world. Only past leaders like Abraham Lincoln and George Washington have garnered has much respect from the mere mention of there names as the Dollar King did. But yesterday proved the point that all good things must come to an end, and a sad end it was as the Dollar King was assassinated while travelling in a parade, through the streets of Toronto, to celebrate his original minting in 1974.

At 3:25 p.m., while on a parade route, the sound of bullets rang through the air. Being made of extremely durable metal, the Dollar King shrugged the bullets off, but was nonetheless extremely surprised. That's when an unknown assailant burst out of the crowd with a flame thrower, screaming, "This is for deflation, Dollar Be-Yatch!!" Not even the mighty Dollar King could withstand this amount of punishment, and he quickly melted under the heat from the searing flames. The crowds ran to assist the Dollar King, some trying to hold him in their arms one last time, but the molten metal caused severe third-degree burns to many of them.

The assassin probably wouldn't have gotten away, were it not for the fact that the entire Toronto police force was playing "Rrrroll Up The Rrrrim To Win" at Tim Horton's.

This is all the more sadder because the Dollar King is leaving behind an entire family of spare change. His greiving widow, Quarter Queen, is now left to take care of the rest of the family on her own. Dollar King's Son, Penny Prince, had something to say to his father's killer: "Why did you want to kill my father? What did he ever do to you? All he wanted to do was to bring value to the consumer. To bring products to people at a price that everyone could afford."

This is another in a seemingly endless number of tragedies for the Dollar King lineage.

Police vow that they will not stop until they find the Dollar King's killer, and stress that they are hot on the assassin's trail. They believe the suspect to be a menacing looking man, 7 foot 5, 4000 pounds, with wings made of the finest silver, and a cowboy hat, as was reported by a flailing, crazy looking bum, who was at the scene of the crime.

Those who know the Dollar King don't know how anyone one could have hated him enough to kill him. "Oh sure, the Dollar King had his ups and downs. One day he'd be worth 68 cents U.S., the next day 53 cents. But don't we all have good and bad days? Besides that, he always offered great value to anyone who wanted it, all they had to do was ask. Who else could bring you 2 chocolate bars, a box of Topps baseball cards, or even a 10 pack of kazoos, for only one dollar?" says Patrick Flannigan, a longtime friend of the Dollar King. "Nobody, that's who. He may of been the king of dollars, but he was also the king of our hearts," he said, wiping away a tear.

Elton John is planning to remake some of his classic work to sing at the Dollar King's service. "I'm Still Spendin' (Yeah, Yeah, Yeah)" will honour the Dollar King's memory.

ED - All Content 2000.