My New Decorating Style

Recently, a lot of people have been studying the art of Feng Shui, which consists of placing objects in such a way as to maximize the flow of chi and bring great wealth and happiness to the house. And people have been paying shitloads of money for this kind of information. I thought, "How can I get some money out of this?", since I'm pretty damned strapped for cash, and I should be earning some cash from these suckers...uh..."enlightened students." That is why I will give you a few examples of concepts from my new decorating art called Feng Obvious. This information was handed down to me from a Buddhist monk.

1. Do Not Urinate On The Floor- I cannot stress this enough. Use the damn toilet, if you have one. If you don't have one, then getting one should be a top priority. You may think it's easier to just urinate on the floor. I mean why should you have to walk all the way to the toilet, when you got just do it on the floor? However, the stench of urine will offend people sitting in the vicinity, and if you were to urinate on a smooth surface, such as a kitchen floor, then other people might slip in it, and be quite agitated. They would be reluctant to return to your domicile, due to their broken bones and urine stained clothes.

2. Do Not Place Appliances Near, Or In Water- While sitting in a bathtub, having a relaxing bath, or taking a shower, it's best not to place appliances, such as toasters or microwave oves, in close proximity. It may seem convenient to enjoy a nicely warmed Toaster Streudel or bagel while bathing, but resist the urge and get something to eat after you're done. If the appliance were to fall in the water, then it would be trashed and you'd have to get a replacement. Oh yeah, and you'd also die of electrocution.

3. Make Sure Your Plumbing Is Properly Connected- If you're not an experienced plumber, then do not attempt to do the plumbing on your own. Hire a plumber to do the work. The money that you'd save by doing it yourself would be offset by the numerous problems. For instance, you might get the hot and cold taps reversed. Someone might go into the shower, expecting a nice warm shower, but be surprised by the shocking cold. Then, out of shock, they'd bolt of the bathroom, where company might be waiting. The company would look at the shrunken weiner, and then word would get out, and that person would never get laid again. Also, if you mistakingly hook up your septic tank to your sink, you might go to get some water, and get a glass of shit.

These are just a few of the helpful hints that you can find out about in my new book "Feng Obvious: The Definitive Guide." It will soon be available on Amazon.com, or from me in pamphlet form. Most likely the latter.

ED - All Content 2000.