I'm Not In A Frenzi

By Eric, The Big "E"

When I attended a local theater to see Austin Powers 2, on the way out a woman was handing out barbecue Frenzi's. You know Frenzi's, right? It's the bite-sized bagel treat.

Since they were free, I thought to myself, "What the hell? They're free, so I might as well take some. Some? Why not take all of them?" Then I decided that taking one would be the best way to sample Frenzi's without having the sample lady whoop my ass. What did they taste like? Well, somewhere between battery acid and cow manure. They had that smooth, delightful texture of manure, and the tangy zip of battery acid. I dropped my bag on the floor out of disgust. I would have thrown the Frenzi's in the trash, but the Frenzi's managed to dissolve through the floor. Damn you, Frenzi's! How could you ruin bagels, you heartless bastards?!?

Here's my idea of how Frenzi's came to fruition. Some guy was probably sitting in a boardroom, eating a bagel for lunch. His boss walked in, asked him, "John, did you get the ideas for our new products finished yet?" Steve was annoyed that the boss hadn't come close to getting his name right, and at the fact that he hadn't worked on the product ideas at all. Steve, not wanting to look like an idiot, blurted out an idea for a snack. "How about we take the great taste of bagels, but in a bite-sized snack?" The boss excitedly replied, "It would be impossible to make a snack of that size actually taste like a real bagel. Let's make the snacks horrible tasting, bagel shaped, and attempt to mask the natural flavour with chip flavourings. And let's make the name Frenzi's in honour of the frenzied state that it will leave people in as it starts to take effect on their digestive systems. This is a brilliant idea!!" No one wanted to get fired, so they all just smiled and nodded.

The result of this seemingly innocent boardroom conversation is the horror that is Frenzi's bagel crunch.

ED - All Content 2000.