It's Hammer Time

By Joe "Dry Ice" DeFuggio

I can't even stand turning on the radio or the T.V. nowadays. And why is that? It's because today's rap is total crap! All I see is crap-rap pushers like Fluff Daddy, Limp Bizkit, Jay-Z, shit like that. That ain't rap. And then you see the same kids, the ones listening to this garbage, saying slang like "nookie" and "pigeons." Whatever happened to "awesome", or such great sayings as, "No way? Way!!" I used "No way? Way!!" on a number of occassions, and it always was a great way to break the ice. Those saying should have stood the test of time, not faded into obscurity.

Carol Black of Silver Spring, Md., is meticulous about her bills so meticulous she can tell you exactly when she mailed her August 1998 First USA credit-card payment: three business days before the due date to a payment center in Atlanta. The $29 late fee that appeared on her bill the next month was a complete shock.

I remember when music really was the shit, and that was way back in the period of the late eighties to early nineties. During that period a musical renaissance took place. Back then we knew how to get down. The streets were jumpin', da beat was thumpin'. Follow me as I take you back to the good days of rap and hip-hop.

First, there's silky smooth style of Milli Vanilli. I know they're not really in the rap category, but they're too good to be left out on this discussion of talented musicians. They captivated audiences with their sound, and got the ladies fainting with their rugged good looks. Not that I swing that way. Far from it. I used to pop a little Vanilli in my "boom box", or cassette deck for you kids who don't know that music scene, and Laquesha melted in my hands like buttah. Let's just say they Vanilli me to get my freak on on a number of occassions.

Milli Vanilli even enjoyed a guest appearance on the Super Mario Bros. show, and that was a sure sign that they'd reach the pinacle of success, and joined celebrities like Cyndi Lauper and Magic Johnson. When you've been on the Mario Bros., you know you've assured your position in history.

Besides helping me to get some action, Vanilli helped to bring me up when I felt down. One time, I had gotten home feeling really badly because I'd accidentally smashed into a telephone pole. My head was bleeding heavily, and I was beginning to loose consciousness. That's when Milli Vanilli told me, "Whatever thing you do, don't put the blame on you. Blame it on the rain." That really eased the pain of my gaping head wound.

Actually, the check did arrive at the bank's payment center on the due date, but not, according to a First USA representative, by 8:00 A.M. To avoid penalties in the future, Black was advised, she should send payment seven to 10 days in advance. Incensed, Black cut up her card and mailed it to the bank, closing her account. The bank hounded Black for the $29 late charge, tacking on additional fees each month it went unpaid. (First USA has since changed its 8:00 A.M. policy and let Black off the hook.)

Some people may point to the fact that Milli Vanilli didn't sign their own music, but doesn't ever artist plagarize once in a while. I mean, who doesn't secretly steal other peoples work and pose it as their own? In fact, you may not have noticed it, but I stole some of this article from a Good Housekeeping article on credit cards. I wish that fat, singing bastard who sued him could have kept his mouth shut, then maybe Milli Vanilli would still be around today. But I guess its hard for that fat bastard to keep his mouth shut, with all that food flying in.

Whose gonna make yah jump? Yeah, that's right, its Kriss Kross. What I liked about them was how their lyrics preached what was going down on the streets. Lots of rappers talk about how much ice they have, or how many women they've got chasing them, but not Kriss Kross. I mean, who hasn't missed the bus? I know I did. The first time it happened, I swore that I was never gonna eva do it again.

Another great part about Kriss Kross was their sense of fashion. These guys don't imitate, they innovate. They wore their clothes backwards. Sure, it's not as comfortable, and it makes going to the bathroom a lot harder, but it just looks plain cool. And the innovation didn't stop with the clothing. Just look at their names, Mack Daddy and Daddy Mack. How cool is that? Their names are reversed just like their clothing. I named my first son DeFuggio Joe in honour of Kriss Kross. Sure, my wife threatened to leave me if I didn't make it something normal, but she was just bluffing.

Last, but certainly not least, is the Hammer man himself, M.C. Hammer. He had mad style. His super baggy pants were not only stylish, but comfortable. Unfortunately, Hammer was the only person who could wear those pants without personal injury. I tried wearing Hammer style pants once, and my pants got caught in the door on the way off the bus. I was dragged 3 km before my pants ripped.

Now that I've given a look back at when music is really good, I hope you realize how bad today's music is. Stop buying these brand new CDs, and start looking in the bargain bin where the real good shit is.

ED - All Content 2000.