Aww, Shit, You Guessed
My Secret Identity

By: Andrew "Ultraman" Clements

I was pretty damn sure that no one would guess my secret identity. I would just laugh whenever I was walking around town, and I'd hear mention of Ultraman, "Gee, you hear how Ultraman stopped that mad bomber from blowing up the Baskin Robbins? Now our town will have ice creamy treats to tide us over through the long summer months!!" And I'd always chime in with some comment like, "Yah, that Ultraman sure is swell, isn't he? I wonder who he is." Unfortunately, over time I guess these comments gave people the impression that I had some gay thing for Ultraman, but at least they didn't know I was him. But then I started getting a little cocky, and I commissioned my favourite local band, The Itchy Noses, to write a song called "My Secret Identity." I think you all know it. It went a little something like this, "You'll never guess my secret identity. Who's on the inside, hiding out?" Damn, that was a really stupid move on my part. What the hell was I thinking? You didn't see Superman commissioning a-ha to write a song like, "Who's the strongest in the land? Oh wait, that's me!! Because I'm SUPERMAN!" No sir, Supes doesn't pull that kinda crap. Guess that's why he still kept his secret identity.

I might has well have put a big sign on me that said "Look At ME!!! I'm ULTRAMAN" It's not like I'm living in friggin New York City, with super heroes everywhere. And really, what the hell's with my name? Ultraman? Too bad originality isn't one of my powers. Dr. J could have at least tried to help out a bit, but he suggested I name myself Nomad, in honour of his favourite Star Trek episode. Yeah, and while I'm at it, why don't I lop my dick off, cause I won't be getting any with a name like that.

One time, I started signing my tests as Ultraman, and when I'd get a bad mark on my tests I'd get all outraged. I'd run up to the teacher's desk and scream "Hey!! What's your problem asshole? Ultraman doesn't need this crap!! I demand you change my mark before I use my SUPER STRENGTH to shatter to your arm." In retrospect, announcing some my power and revealing my secret identity was a little retarded.

I'm pretty sure a big part of me being found out was that I flew over densely populated suburban neighbourhoods with the aid of spray cans. I mean, as if people weren't gonna be a little curious about a guy hovering over their houses. You'd have to lead a really fucking exciting life not to be intrigued by that. "Daddy, daddy, there's a guy flying over our house!!" "That's nice, dear, now help me strap on these rocket skates." Now that I think about it, maybe I wasn't even flying all those times. After all, I was spraying 2 cans of WD-40 in an unventilated garage, and that could give you a wicked high. Maybe I was hallucinating some of the crappy adventures I was involved in, like the time Dr. J hypnotized me and Kirk, and we switched places, and Kirk started acting like me so he got this date with this girl I liked. It'd have to be a hallucination, cause it's too stupid to be real. Kirk hasn't gotten a women in years, cause the dude's got more crabs than Red Lobster. Whoops, sorry Kirk!! I remember this one time he kept asking me to help him get rid of them, so I started spinning him around really fast, trying to throw the crabs off, but unfortunately it only caused irreperable brain damage.

I used to have this diary, where I'd store all my super hero adventures. But my mom found it, and she was totally freaking out. She was screaming at me "You're a total mental case!!! I just can't believe this!!!! First, your father leaves with the secretary, and now this happens....Oh, god, I can't take it anymore...." Eventually, she calmed down a bit, but she really milked that whole mental thing for all it was worth. She'd be like, "Andrew, did you take out the garbage?" and if I said no she'd pull out this straight jacket and start motioning to it. You get off your ass pretty damn fast when you think you're gonna get thrown in a padded cell.

Now that I think about it, that whole hypnosis thing might have happened. It's not like I really did anything remotely useful with my powers. Whoah, I won some track meets!! Oh wow, I beat up the school bully!!! Yeah, I really did my part to help humanity. The world is safe...for NOW!! What a load of crappy adventures. Without me, school bullies would be roming the world and, uh... I got nothing. I'm fucking sad. I'm invulnerable, super strong, fast as hell, and I can fly (maybe). I should have been taking down drug lords, or fighting armies, instead of hanging out with Dr. J. That dude's such a geek. You try telling your friends that you chill with some scientist for fun, and see how long they stick around. "Whoah, dude, you're hanging with a scientist!! I'll be right there, man!!!!" People stop getting into that Mr. Wizard shit when they were like 10. So what, my identity is out now. Lah-dee-freakin-dahhhh! Guess all those villains will take me out, since I'm disrupting their plans to rob the liquor store.

ED - All Content 2000.