Kraft Introduces "Moron Mac"

To the acclaim of consumers everywhere, Kraft has finally introduced Moron Mac. This is Kraft's new brand of macaroni and cheese that everyone, even those challenged by the preparation of the microwavable Easy Mac, can enjoy.

The research commenced on Kraft Moron Mac due to the barrage of letters that Kraft received from morons across North America. Several idiots complained about the difficulties concerning the preparation of Easy Mac, ranging from paper cuts incurred from opening the box, to microwaving the Easy Mac while still in the confines of its packaging.

"We at Kraft were quite surprised at the fact the fact that people were having problems with cooking our Easy Mac," said Kenneth Burrows, President of Kraft Corporation. "I mean, come on people. It's not like we were asking you to do much, except turn on a damn microwave. How hard is that? My 3-year old daughter can even work one. Apparently, that wasn't enough for people. People were writing in asking us why the food didn't cook when they put it in the microwave, only to find out they never turned the thing on. Argh!! And, I kid you not, there were people asking us why eating macaroni and cheese is so messy. It turns out they were eating it with their fuckin' hands!! Use some utensils, idiots! And yet, when I told them that it would be much cleaner to eat with utensils, they were like, 'Duh, well maybe if you told us!' As if it's my fault."

"Well, all that's changed with Kraft's Moron Mac. Just in case people forget to remove the packaging, Moron Mac comes in a box made entirely with non-toxic, edible materials. Wouldn't want to lose what little brain cells you have left by eating toxic packaging materials... so it's okay to eat the box, if you're too stupid to remove it. Because we here at Kraft know it's such a hastle to open an almost impenetrable layer of solid paper. Oh, you might even have to get under the top with your fingernails. Wouldn't want to strain youself, right Hercules?"

"It also comes with a 300 page manual with step-by-step guides on how to operate a variety of microwaves. It covers microwaves from every single manufacturer, including the lesser known ones, like Toshneeba and Panaphonics. Although, I wouldn't recommend using those kind of microwaves, since they give off more radiation than Uranium-235. And just in case, God forbid, you still have problems with cooking Moron Mac, special representatives are on hold to guide you through the seemingly impossible task of turning on a microwave oven. Don't be surprised if they greet you with such friendly phrases as, 'My dear God! How could you possibly have problems cooking our product?' and 'Is there a lot of inbreeding in your family?' Those are simple our way of saying hi."

"Now, that's it. I don't want to get any more letters. If you can't get Moron Mac to cook, then go to hell. Do yourself a favour, and kill yourself so that you don't pass on your idiotic genes to anyone else."

"I often wanted to try macaroni and cheese, but I'd always found the instructions were a little daunting," said Jimmy Romeno, one of the letter writers who prompted Kraft to create Moron Mac. "I mean come on here. Just listen to this instruction: 'Cook for 5 to 7 minutes, OR until tender.' How was I to know to use a spoon to remove the macaroni from the scalding hot water? They should have written something like, 'Use a spoon, and not your bare hand.' As far as I'm concerned, Kraft is to blame for my severe third-degree burns."

"But at least they've tried to make up for their new mistakes with the new Kraft Moron Mac, although starting my car to drive to the grocery store is a complicated task, what with all those crazy traffic signs and flashing lights. It's a jungle out there, I tells yah, but it's not like they can do anything about THAT."

Fellow dumb-ass, Brad Dylan, seconded Jimmy's motion. "What am I, a friggin' rocket scientist? A freakin' Julia Child?!? Okay, so maybe I do have a strange, irritating voice, and I look like a she-male, but the similarities end there. The old Kraft mac and cheese was just too hard to prepare."

"A bunch of times, I threw in the cheese while still in the packaging, because it was too frustrating to get open. They could have included detailed instructions on how to open the cheese packet. How was I supposed to know that a letter opener wouldn't be effective in opening the package? Mom got so steamed when she got cheese all over our Publisher's Clearing House documents. She kept screaming, 'You're such an idiot! Ed's never gonna wanna give me the money when he gets cheese all over his fancy duds. I hopes yah like livin' in a trailer home!' Oh God, I am an idiot!! Mom was right!!!"

Despite Kraft's hopes that Moron Mac would stop the letters from coming in, other problems have cropped up with the new Mac's preparation. As Billy Turgen put it in a recent letter, "How do you get this danged phone to work?"

ED - All Content 2000.