Cousin Itt Savagely Beaten By Pac-Man

Cousin Itt is in the intensive care ward today, after being put there by a bloodthirsty Pac-Man. Pac-Man claims that it was a case of mistaken identity, and that he confused Cousin Itt with one of his enemies, the ghosts.

An eyewitness, Paul Sandsberg, gave us this account of the accident, "Well, I was standing on the street corner, waiting for the bus, but that's when I saw [the accident] happen. Pac-Man was busy swallowing dots, and fruit, and he had just swallowed a power puck. Then this look of blind rage overcame him. He looked as though he was mad with power. Cousin Itt was just sitting there on a park bench. He was minding his own business, and not hurting any one. That's when Pac-Man came over and beat the crap out of him. Cousin Itt was screeching in pain, but Pac-Man just kept munching on him."

Gary Coleman, Cousin Itt's long-time friend, seemed outraged at the incident, "Me and Cousin It have been best buds for quite a while. We shared each others pain, both of us being under 5 feet tall. Cousin Itt was always there for me, and now he's in pain. You ain't gonna get away with this Pac-Man, not a chance! I've used my connections as a security guard, and I've formed the Pac-Man Pounding Patrol, or the Quadruple P. Cousin Itt's got a lot of friends Pac-Man, and you're going to see what happens when someone hurts him. It comes back three-fold. The only thing you're going to be eating is my fists."

ED - All Content 2000.