Pornography!!

By Eric, The Big "E"

People are always telling me, "Eric, you're a pretty big porno afficianado, right? Why don't you right some sort of editorial about pornography?" Well, I'll tell you why. It's because I'm a totally lazy bastard, and I'd rather sit around and watch tv then get up and start typing some article. Besides that I've got some pretty crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome. But, despite all this, I thought I'd devote my expertise to the definitive word on pornography.

A large majority of the people that are on the internet today are looking for pornography. But there's nothing more annoying than being on the internet, and looking for actual information, and being bombarded with porn. It's a little distracting; it kinda pulls you away from your research. If you hold a copy of Hustler and a history textbook up to some guy, it's not really gonna be a mystery as to which one he's gonna choose. "This is a really good account of World War I trench warfare, but, look at those knockers!!" He'll drop the textbook like it's a live hand grenade. It's especially distracting when it's really disgusting stuff. Like stuff advertising people humping barn animals. Cause that's a real fantasy of mine. I remember when I was went to trip to the petting zoo when I was eight, and the teacher kept saying, "Eric, stop feeling that goat up! This isn't a HEAVY petting zoo!" Listen, if I pay the damn 8 bucks, I'm gonna do whatever the hell I want! Besides, I couldn't resist those sexy glances the orangutan was giving me.

I've always been a big fan of pornography. Any here remember the first time they bought pornography? And I bet you were 18 right? Yeah, right. The first time I bought pornography it was when my friend dared me to buy it at this video store, where shit like City Slickers 2 was still selling for 30 bucks. So I got to the counter and the woman was like, "Are you 18? You sure don't look it." And I came up with this really great response. I said, "Oh yeah, I just turned 18. This is kind of a birthday present for myself." Now I looked like a horny, loner 18 year old, who can't even get his friends to buy pornography. I bought it, and ran the hell out of there. It was some Playboy Video, "Hot Wheels And High Heels." Those movies are so unrealistic. It's almost as if they wanna create some fantasy world, or something. Anybody been challenged to a game of strip pool by a Playmate? Yeah, me neither. It any Playmates wanna stop by my house, and challenge to strip pool, I'll be happy to oblige. I've got the pool table set up, and everything. We can even have some Pringles or something. Or maybe air hockey is your type of game. But the place I usually played pool was at the local bar. Why the hell would I challenge some middle aged fat guy to a game of strip pool? No one's a winner. "You think that's a rack? Check out these man-titties I'm sporting!"

When I actually hit 18 I was actually able to legally buy porn, but I'd have to make up excuses to buy it. Cause you don't want to look like you just came their for the porn, because then you'd be a real sicko. So I'd go into the corner store, and make some really stupid purchase to go with it, like a jug of milk. Then I go up to the counter, and I'm like, "Here's my milk and honies." But that just makes it look like I'm some pervert who also has strong teeth and bone. And you always get this line of people that forms behind you. Like they were hiding in the aisles, waiting for you to make your purchase. I remember how I used to get my dose of nudity before that. I'd watch this french station for a little Bleu Nuit, which badly dubbed flicks. It was like a french Godzilla movie. "Godzilla, you must save us from the ladies naked. A winner is you!" Bleu Nuit is is french for, "Nice piece of ass-h." I'd have it set up for so that I'd be able to use the remote control to switch real fast to some program, like, I dunno the news. You know, with that previous channel function. And usually it would work, although my mom never knew why the news people were so horny and bilingual. "Oui...oui...ahhh ces't bonne!! In today's weather..." "Gee...those guy's really excited about the forecast." But sometimes, when the battery wasn't low, she'd see me watching these people going at it, and screaming in french, and I'd have to come up with some really weird excuse for watching. "Uh, we're doing a report in history, about, 18th century french women. Turns out they really like getting fucked up the ass." No, I'd never say that. The french like it more in the face.

It was funny when I first heard my brother checking out some porno. I was on the top bunk and I wondered why the picture was all scrambled. Then I thought it odd when some woman started having a frank discussion about cocks. "I like the big cocks, but I also like the small cocks." What kind of a conversation is that. Imagine sitting at a restaurant with your girlfriend, and hearing her say, "Yeah, fettucine looks good. But not as good as big cocks. Which, coincidentally, I like as much as small cocks. Could you pass the garlic bread?" What kind of woman likes small cocks? Anyone here? Yeah, see they're dating guys with small cocks. Yeah, they know it.

I think that being a porn director would be a pretty sweetass career. You'd get to see sex all the time. It's not to hard to do, actually. Just come up with a popular movie title, and then screw it up a little. You know, Top Buns, or Forrest Hump, or my personal favourite, The Joy Fuck Club. One of the confusing titles for a porno is Edward Penishands. How useless are penises for hands? You'd have to get aroused just to get anything done. "Hey, I need to make a phone call....damn...Could someone please talk dirty to me? Don't ask why, just do it."

Before you start thinking I'm some kind of pervert for checking out porn, I've gotta tell yah, the reason I rent a lot of porn is cause I don't tend to get too much repeat action. Cause I scream out strange shit when in the heat of passion like, "Oh man! Where's the biscuit? Slap some gravy on that corn dog!!" What the fuck does that mean, exactly?

If you're looking for a release of sexual tension, and there's no partners readily available, then checking out a lil' porno couldn't hurt. However, I can't believe the lengths some people go to. I was recently reading an issue of Time and they were talking about digital sex, and the headline was "Can Digital Sex Beat The Real Thing?" The article then went on to describe all these new methods of electronic stimulation, and reached the conclusion that the real thing can't be beat. Did anyone really need to read the article to figure that out? I doubt any guy was banging away at his partner when, in the midst of passion, he reached over for his copy of Time and said, "Just a sec, honey. No offence or anything, but I just gotta know if sticking my wang into a VCR can get any better than this." The article went on to describe all the technology that companies are working on. Vivid, one of the largest creators of pornography, has made a full body suit for 280 grand that uses electric pulses to simulate sex. I don't really want any current running around my groin, but thanks anyway. For that price, you can pay for the real deal with some rather high priced prostitutes. Hell, I'll even spank your ass for 50 bucks!

ED - All Content 2000.