Alien Abducted By Rednecks

Juthtakk D'Kar has been scrutinized by his fellow Centaurians for his claims that he was abducted by a group of rowdy rednecks. After D'Kar disclosed his tales of human abduction, the reprecussions were severe. He was shunned by the scientific community, and is no longer allowed to see his offspring. In fact, if he comes within 50 feet of either his children, or an anal probe, the 5th Son of Matron the Eternal One has ordered that D'Kar be teleported to the scorching fire planet of Bantar.

Despite the negative impact that his abduction stories have had on his life, D'Kar is so insistent that he was abducted that he's willing to put up with the turmoil, "I know what I saw, and I can't put it behind me. It changed my life. It's just sad that I'll no longer be able to plunge into the depths of the anus with advanced instrumentation," sputtered D'Kar.

D'Kar went on to explain his experience, "It all started off innocently enough, actually. I was taking soil samples of the earth, so I could analyze them. Then, out of the blue, I saw headlights burst through the darkness. I dove into a ditch, to avoid detection, but it was no use. I could hear some sort of blaring, country music coming from the earthlings' vehicle. The vehicle was a deteriorating with rust, and had a bumper sticker that said 'How's my driving? Call 1-800-FUCK-OFF.' It was quite profane. From these signs, I determined that the passengers were rednecks.

I'd heard of them, but I thought they were just myths to scare us from abducting earthlings. My mom used to tell me, 'If you keep abducting people, then sooner or later you're going to run into those crazy rednecks, and then what are you going to do?' I told her, 'Screw off, mom! You can't dictate my actions. Juthtakk plays by his own rules,' but I wish I'd have listened to her. The rednecks screamed, 'Hey look! It's one of dem aliens! Let's get 'em fellas!' I ran, but it was no use. A morbidly obese man, in overalls and a plaid shirt, lunged at me and knocked me unconscious. The last thing I saw was his ass eclipsing the light of the moon."

"When I woke up, I saw the rednecks gathering around some sort of image transmitting device. On it, there were images of men battling, and there was a logo that said 'WWF' in the corner. I couldn't understand why they were watching this transmission. It was quite obvious that the men's blows weren't even in remote vicinity of each other. They stomped their feet when they punched, but it wasn't fooling me. One of the men unleashed what was announced as a 'Ho-Train.' His opponent didn't even move, even though the he was given a good deal of warning. These rednecks are quite moronic to have fallen for the rouse."

"After the fight, I saw the men practically inhale an 3 entire chickens. I am quite sure one of the chickens was still moving while it was being eaten. They then proceeded to challenge each other to a 'belching contest.' The clear winner was Bo, whose belch registered at least 90 decibels. Not content to simply produce noises with their mouths, the men had a massive bout of methane emissions. If a match came within the vicinity of the domicile, it surely would have meant the destruction of the entire planet. Exhausted from their 'physical exertions', they then sat around and contemplated what to do next. They decided that it would be fun to, as Jimmy put it, 'Tip some of dem there cows in da field. They just stands there when they falls over. Stupid cows!! Don't even know what's goin' on!"

"What they did next was disturbing, to say the least. They dragged me into a field, filled with innocent cattle. The cows were obviously in a state of rest, and yet the rednecks took great joy out of tipping them over. Then they made a game of seeing who could tip over the most in 30 seconds. What good are cows if you can't mutilate them? Is tipping cows really more fun than examining their digestive systems. Certainly not! One of the men took quite a liking to one particular, and announced that he would marry it in the near future."

"Despite this disturbing display, the worst was yet to come. Some of the men showed great affection towards their relatives. I heard one of the men, Billy Bob, discussing how his Cousin, Murly Sue, looked, '...mighty purty at the family reunion.' How disgusting is that? Mating with your own relatives! It's sure to cause some sort of genetic problems, although that would explain how some of these dolts came into creation."

"The rednecks brought me back home, where they convinced me to sample some of their putrid, homemade moonshine. The alcohol content affected me dramatically, and the last thing I saw was Jimbo approaching me with a suspicious smirk planted across his face."

"I woke up the next morning on a barren dirt road, with the sun glimmering down on me. I also had quite an agonizing physical pain in my ear. It seems that one of the Jimbo had attempted to mate with me, but had mistaken my ear for my reproductive organ. It took me hours to clean out my ear."

"I stumbled around for quite a while before I came across my ship. I set it on autopilot, and put myself in cryostasis. Soon I had arrived back home at Alpha Centauri. I told my wife about it, but soon the news spread all over town, and that brings us to today. No one wants to come near me, because they think that I'm insane. Just yesterday, when I was buying some nutrient tablets, the vendor said, 'Hey Juthtakk! I saw the the rednecks this morning, and they told me you're really good in the sack. Ha ha ha!!!' I didn't find his comment too amusing. Everyone think that I'm just believing in some fairy tale, but it's reality. I didn't make it up, dammit!"

We questioned D'Kar's former friend, Dutore Balunge as to why everyone is shunning D'Kar. Balunge explained, "Juthtakk is just trying to get attention, with his story, so we're just ignoring him until he straightens up. I've been to Earth loads of times, and I've never seen a redneck once. Juthtakk makes up stories all the time. One time he told me that he caught a Panthion sea snake that was 5 metres long. I said, 'Yeah, okay Juthtakk! Sure you did. Can I see it, then?' That shut him up pretty fast. I hope that Juthtakk gives up on his story sometime soon. He's so full of fecal matter. "

ED - All Content 2000.