RIAA Introduces Tax On Computers
Fee of $100/Computer To Offset Music Piracy
Losses, Pay for Fantabulous Limousine and
Solid Gold Suit

The RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) succeeded in having a $100 per computer flat tax implemented this week after a mere 2 months of lobbying. This tax is similar to the extra $1 a CD-R tax the RIAA succeeded in having implemented at the beginning of this year. Like the "blank-CD tax", as it is known, this tax is being collected by the government and going towards private industry. Its justification is also similar: to offset the losses incurred to the RIAA through music piracy.

While some have speculated that a cartel controlling all major music distribution channels and which maintains an artificially high price on music recordings would inevitably bring about this kind of mass consumer revolt presently being seen in Napster, the RIAA is quick to dismiss such charges as "silly nonsense"

"It is not in the RIAA's intent to have a tax placed on any device, such as a CD or computer, simply because it COULD be used for piracy." RIAA executive Frank McPherson said, then stifled a giggle and admitted, "Alright, it is. But we pass the earnings from this tax directly to YOU," he explained, while surreptitiously pointing at fellow RIAA executive Bonny Thompson. Thompson incidentally came accessorized to the press conference with a monocle and gold-chained pocket watch.

"I wish to have a solid-gold suit." Thompson offered. Thomson's present suit is mere bronze.

While some artists feel it is unfair that to get their records radio play and to have them distributed, they must go to the RIAA, the RIAA itself feels that it is being quite generous.

"Sometimes, I invite some musicians over and let them watch me as I dive into my swimming pool full of money." said McPherson. "I am not unlike Scrooge McDuck. Then I take them for a ride in my fantabulous limousine, which has a drink bar and a tanning deck, also made out of solid gold."

McPherson then lit a cigar with a hundred-dollar bill.

Some consumers are angry that they have to pay a fee when they have never pirated music in the past, no matter how right it may have seemed. These consumers will soon be placated, the RIAA contends, when they see how nice the new fantabulous limo will be. "The limo we have now is fantabulous, but it could be a little more nice. I'm certain that when the public sees how nice our new limo is, all thoughts of the injustice of the situation will be replaced with strong feelings of respect."

And to charges that they have done little to earn their fabulous riches, how does the RIAA respond?

"We tell the radio stations what to play." Thompson said in his defense. "We also set the standard for opulence and extravagance" he said, donning a hat made from specially clubbed baby seals. Thompson then gave a "thumbs up" sign and left the stage, twirling her watch and whistling "I'm In The Money."

RN - All Content 2000.