Satan Retires, Claiming
"It's just too easy."

Early this afternoon, at a hastily prepared press conference the so called 'dark prince' announced his retirement from the ranks of evil. Satan cited his main reason as being that he simply "didn't find the work challenging enough anymore."

Experts have been predicting this move since early May. Jerry Armstrong, a member of the Society for Evil Studies commented "this move didn't really come as a shock to anyone here at SES, with the increased trend towards atheism and Asian religions, the Christian God simply isn't posing as great a threat to the forces of evil."

Armstrong's colleague, Dr. Lisa Sanderson also cites the Pope's recent declarations as a possible motivating force behind the dark one's step away from evil. "After the Pope said that neither heaven nor hell were physical places, but more ethereal rewards or punishments Satan locked himself in the bathroom for a long time… Just because he is symbolic of the forces of evil doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings, and I think the Pope should've thought of that before hitting with such a low blow."

The Devil made a brief prepared statement, and also fielded questions for nearly 40 minutes before finally leaving the stage. "Evil has a new face today, and I'm not it… I'll always be behind the scenes, supporting the team 110%" said Beelzebub, his eyes swelling with tears. "I feel like I just don't have anything left to contribute on the front lines… watching shows like Jerry Springer and Ricki Lake I realize that times are different, it's not like the old days. I remember a time when it took all of my wiles just to get someone to think an impure thought, and even then they'd repent it afterwards. Today I feel like I'm not even needed anymore."

When asked what he'd do, the lord of the underworld replied "I think I'll take a well earned vacation, and maybe if I'm feeling up to it I'll return to hell in a more limited supervisory role."

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