I'm Totally Psyched About Last Summer's Movies

By Eric, the "Big E"

All the time, I hear people whining about how they don't have anything to do in the summer. "Wahhhh! I don't have anything to do. I wish I was back in school." How dumb are you to think that school is better than partying in the summer? Do you think that "Wahhh!" is a good way to start a sentence, when "Wah!" would be perfectly sufficient? Are you some kind of nerdlinger? Well, Poindexter, better get cracking on those exciting Hardy Boy novels. Ohhh, The Mystery Of The Indian Coin, that sounds like a good one.

When people tell me that there's nothing to do, I tell them that one thing to do in the summer is check out all the great movies coming out. I've seen a lot of them, and I plan to see a lot more. In fact, I love movies so much that I'm willing to go to the hellhole where my local theater is located. Gangbangers hang outside there all the time. Why the hell do some teenagers do that? "Oh man! That theater looks so rockin' It would be even better if we were actually inside!!! Look at that guy buying a ticket. Is he the luckiest guy on earth, or what."

One of them actually asked me if eating uncooked Chinese noodles would make them expand in you stomach. Wow, Einstein, I think you've stumble onto some Chinese conspiracy against us!! I told them my brother's stomach burst from eating 4 packs of uncooked noodles. It seemed to spook 'em good. But despite all this I still go, because of the sheer excitement of this summer's movie selection.

Everytime I see the Runaway Bride ad, I know I just have to see it. When someone is at the chapel, walking down the aisle, you're sure they're going to get married. Ah ah ah! Not so fast, sister! This bride runs away instead. Who's the genius who came up with the idea? I love in the commercial where the grandma comments on the fact that she likes Richard Geere's ass! Didn't see that one coming, Julia Roberts, did you? That wacky grandma! You go girl!!!

I already saw The Blair Witch Project, and I nearly shit myself. My brother actually did shit himself!!! 3 times!!! I like exclamation marks!!!! They had to hose the seats down, but that's another story.

I heard I was going to be scared, and I wasn't disappointed. I have a rare disorder called Yellaphobia, or the fear of loud yelling, thus this movie was a particularly heart-wrenching experience for me. They yelled about losing the map, going the wrong way, stones outside the tent, My Little Pony, and the stock market. It all seemed so real to me because of the camera angles. It was just like a real film shot by someone addicted to crack. The camera shook like it was during a Los Angeles quake. There's audience participation since half the audience vomits due to motion sickness. The best part is when the lead character, Heather, looks into the camera and apologizes for bringing her friends to the forest. I actually discovered that I don't have the largest nostrils in the free world.

Mickey Blue Eyes, from the looks of the ad, looks like it's going to be bringing in the bucks. Hugh Grant is marrying someone from the mob, but he's British! Ha ha ha!!! Oh man, that's killer! Mix in some British, a dash of Italian, and a hint of wonderment, and you've got yourself a recipe for hilarity. He tries to say "Forget about it", but he can't get the accent right. That seems to be the joke for the entire movie, but when the joke is that good who needs compelling dialog. I know that Hugh Grant only picks winners, like Extreme Measures.

Finally, I want to talk about another movie I want to see. It's called Universal Soldier: The Return, and stars such great actors as Jean Claude Van Damme and Bill Goldberg. That's right, Bill Goldberg! I hope he does the "Goldberg Spear" on Van Damme. Van Damme wouldn't get up after that. I love movies where you can't really understand what the lead character is saying. It lets of the pressure of comprehending the plot. Van Damme mockingly says, in the commercial, "Been der', don dat." Van Damme doesn't take crap from anybody.

If all that wasn't enough for you, the soundtrack features rockbands like Gwar, and Anthrax. I think, no, I know that I wet myself when I first heard what overwhelming musical talent was going to be featured on the soundtrack. I saw a Gwar concert where a giant styrofoam worm ate some guy on stage!! I couldn't garden for a week. Double Team rocked my world, I hope this movie is the same way.

We've got a bit of a celebrity here at the MADHOUSE. I'm getting Van Damme , you heard me right, to write the closing for this article:

I ope yew enjoyed readink dis ardickle, and I ope yew zee ma new moobie. Univerzal Zoldur is da bomb, and I tink yew will like it. Dis is Van Damme signink off.

ED - All Content 2000.