My Summer Plans

By Eric, The Big "E"

University students get a whole 5 months off for Summer. 5 fuckin' months!!! And if you're like me, and you don't have a job, car, or girlfriend, then you may be wondering what you can do to keep yourself busy, or you may be reaching for the shotgun to take your head-off. Hey, not so fast, crazy bastard! Taking a look at my Summer plans may give you some inspiration for what to do.

1. Sue Napster- I figured if Metallica and Dr. Dre could sue Napster, then why the hell can't I? Seriously, there really wasn't much holding me back. My first obstacle was that I hadn't actually made any songs. Hmmm...that didn't take long to get over that hurdle. I made a song called "Whassup?!?" where I scream "Whassup?!?" in different accents for 3 minutes, while banging on my desk. Then I burnt a copy of it on a CD, and sold it to this intoxicated old man who was urinating outside a bar. After he bought it, he started trying to having sex with a garbage can and screaming in Arabic. Oh well, at least I could be considered a commercial artist. Then, I went to Carleton and put my mp3, "Whassup?!?", in the folders of a bunch of users I made up. I then called Napster and told them how their service was denying me my well earned profits from my awesome song. They settled, and I made twenty bucks. Twenty whole friggin' bucks!! How do you like them apples? I parlayed my capital into the pornography industry (I bought a Playboy, and a copy of Swank.) Sadly, the "Whassup?!?" single has went triple platinum in Germany, where it's a dance sensation. David Hasselhoff is sending me death threats, cause I'm stealing his business.

2. Throw Shit At People- Go scrape some dog shit off the ground and throw it at people. After nailing them with the shit, go up to them and say "Aww, dude, you smell....SHITTY!!" Then run of, and giggle like a school girl. I got my best kicks out of this by hurling shit into the Dairy Queen mixer, and when people were drinking milk shakes I would tell them "Man, that sucks...SHIT!" Eventually, the manager came after me, but he slipped on some shit I left behind.

3. Write Stupid Articles- Got some time to kill? Make an article about absolutely anything that pops into your head. Like this one, for example. Then send it to Madhouse. In the event that we use your article, you get nothing. Sorry, but we have no money.

4. Pretend To Be A Member Of An Elite Squad Of Future Cops!!!- I used the exclamations marks, since this is one of my favourites. Pick up some surplus police uniforms, or rent a costume if necessary. And you'll also need standard issue police items, like handcuffs and a baton. But you should also carry "futuristic" weaponry, perhaps Super Soakers wrapped in tinfoil. And, as you walk around, make sure to constantly remind people that you're "Fighting crime in a fuuuture time....COPS!" If someone disturbs the peace, say "You have 3 seconds to comply before I use force." If they don't stop yell, "Activate Cyber-Cuffs!", and proceed to throw some fake plastic handcuffs at them. To inhance the illusion, escort a handcuffed friend around, and inform people that you're "Doing your bit to keep the peace. Every little bit helps. (In an ominous tone) The FUTURE is a dirty place," even if they don't ask.

Hope I've helped to make your summer a better time.

ED - All Content 2000.