I Don't Care If Gloria Gaynor Was Initally
Afraid Or Petrified, That Woman
Ruined My Cake

Yesterday, my ex-girlfriend and popular singer Gloria Gaynor initially found herself afraid, even petrified. She kept thinking that she couldn't live without me by her side. I swear, I do not understand that woman.

This happened shortly after I returned from outer space. She had just walked in to find me there with that sad look upon my face.

"I should have changed that stupid lock!" she shouted, "God damn it! I should have made you leave your key! I swear, if I had known for just one, just one, you hear me - if I had known for just one goddamn second you'd be back to bother me!"

I tried to explain that I only wanted to borrow a cup of suger, but she wouldn't listen. "Go on now, go walk out that door." she said.

"Gloria, please, just listen to me!" I tried to explain, but she wouldn't hear any of it.

"Just turn around now, cause you're not welcome anymore." she said, her voice seething with anger.

Again, I persisted. "I only wanted a cup of sugar, Gloria! It's for a Cake!" It was at this point when I think the neighbours started listening.

Gloria calmed down briefly. I thought things were going to get better, but they only got worse. "Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?" she asked angrily. Before I could respond, she exclaimed "You thought I'd crumple! You thought I'd just lay down and die!"

"No, Gloria! No! Just listen to me, dammit!" I shouted, but still, she ignored me. She always gets like this when she's angry. She goes off in her own little world.

"It took all the strength I had not to fall apart." she whispered. "I kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart. And I spent - " she sobbed " - and I spent oh so many nights, just feeling sorry for myself." She looked up at me, tears in her eyes. "I used to cry." she said, calmly. I thought we could finally calmly discuss our quarrel, now that she had cooled down a bit.

Then she jumped to her feet and shouted "Now I hold my head up high!" at the top of her lungs. Dammit, that startled me. She's like that, Gloria is: one second she's all weepy and crying, and the next, you meet she-devil "I will survive" Gloria, who won't listen to reason.

It was then that I realized that I was looking at somebody new. She was not that chained up little person that I myself once knew.

"Please, Gloria, I only want a cup of sugar," I pleaded, but she wasn't even listening. She was all over the living room, dancing and clapping and singing lead vocals.

"I've got all my life to live, and I've got all my love to give!" she sang, in a realization of the triumph of her own spirit. Damn Gloria. She'll give you all her love, but not a single gram of sugar, no matter how much you plead.

I left. She was not going to give me any sugar, no matter what I said. As I slammed the door behind me, I shouted "Thanks a lot, Gloria! I hope you die, she-woman!"

It was then that I heard from behind the closed door defiant words, "Oh no, not I."

"I will survive" she vowed.



This whole town is screwed up. When I tried to borrow some sugar from Diana Ross, she gave me she same song and dance routine. Those people ruined my cake.

RN - All Content 2000.