Teachers Implement Mandatory Competency Testing For Politicians

The Ontario Secondary School Teachers Federation announced yesterday that it plans to begin mandatory competency testing for all Ontario politicians as soon as next year.

"Ontario's politicians must come first." said a representative for the OSSTF, Mark Fenn. "We've discovered that our politicians are being routinely outperformed by American and Japanese politicians. It's time we put our politics back on track."

Politicians are outraged with the OSSTF's new programme. "First, they cut out budget and increased the government programme to minister ratio by 20%. Then they began closing regional governments, even though most regional governments were already jam-packed with politicians. These politicians had nowhere to go, save into other overcrowded local and municipal governments. It's crazy!" said an MPP who wished to remain anonymous.

The OSSTF, however, maintains that it has the public's support. "Although there has been negative reaction in the media, I am confident that the public supports our drastic measures. I need not remind you that these governmental savings go towards lower taxes. It's about putting people first, and that's just common sense." said Fenn, speaking for the Ontario Teachers Federation.

"Besides, the government has plenty of space. We ourselves have measured the 'Political Space' available in the Provincial Government, and by our calculations the entire governmental system is almost empty."

Provincial Premiere Mike Harris was outraged with the new measures. Last week, he announced that, "...we simply cannot allow such plutocrastic actions to go unfought. Provincial government is now on strike, effective immediately. And we will remain on strike until the Ontario teachers are willing to come to the bargaining table with compromise."

As of yet, there has been no noticeable effect from the full governmental strike.

Mr. Harris appeared at a press conference today to blast the Ontario teachers. "They don't even have the legal power to do this!" pleaded Harris. "It's not fair! I don't tell the Ontario teachers how to do their job," he explained.

The latest programme will require that all politicians and public representatives take a mandatory competency test every two years.

"Come on!" sobbed Harris, his eyes overflowing with tears. "How can you test for something as obscure as political ability? It's insane!" he cried, before breaking down at the press conference.

No one stepped forward to comfort the broken premier.

While some have questioned the teacher's actions as vengeful and ironic, most support the measures. "I see politicians driving fancy cars all the time," said Donna Smith, a local resident. "Oh, boo hoo! They have to work a little bit harder? They should be. It's their fault that our political system lags so far behind that in, say, Japan." volunteered Smith.

"In Japan, they know their math, boy howdy. Ontario's politicians are falling behind in math testing. So what if they're educated in the liberal arts, if they can manage different philosophies and judge them for themselves? So what if they understand that the only questions really worth asking are those that can't ever be answered? So what if they can think, actually think, for themselves? They're not as good as the Japanese at core math."

The OSSTF has announced a "back to basics" approach, focusing on only the core subjects. While some have said that this will reduce our next generation of politicians to ignorant slobs whose education has been comprised entirely of math, business English, and basic computer use, others decry the now missing arts and science courses as "silly" and "not useful, like math."

MADHOUSE will bring you more on this story as it develops.

RN - All Content 2000.