Time Merges With Seventeen

Time-Warner Entertainment announced today the merger of their Time Magazine with Seventeen Magazine. The new magazine, called Totally Time, promises some major additions to the standard Time fare. Along with the standard articles on world events and trends, a new "I Could Have Died" trauma-rama section will be added, in which world leaders and corporate executives can write in and describe their most mega-mortifying moments.

"I'm very excited about this new section to Time," explained Margaret Thatcher. "I can't wait to tell about this time when I was sunbathing on the beach and this total hottie came and lay down right next to me! I was like, "Aaaaaaa!!!" and was just about to introduce myself when I accidently passed some major gas. He just looked at me all funny and walked away. I was bummed for a week."

Media mogul Conrad Black expressed his excitement also. "There was this time when I really had to go at this board meeting, but I kept holding it and holding it until I peed all over my new Gap pants," the millionare explained, adding that "It got all over the floor too. My major crush was sitting next to me and saw what happened. He raised his hand and said 'Hey, I think Conrad here had an accident.' I was, like, mortified. He never called me again."

Totally Time promises the latest information and commentary on world events, in-depth coverage on national news, and a series of weekly hard-hitting political columns. It also promises Five Sure-Fire Ways To Tell If He Really Likes You.

The first issue will also include the tell-all feature "I Dated My Best Friend's Ex," which promises to be both scandelous and informative. Further to this, a feature entitled "Should You Do It? One Way To Find Out" is also planned for the first outrageous issue.

"This is going to be totally phat," bubbled Mike Harris. "Finally, a magazine which combines news and political coverage with tips on solving all my pal problems and attracting all my crush cuties. I'm so there."

Totally Time is slated for publication next week.

RN - All Content 2000.