I'm Not Sure, But I Don't Think My
Canadian Tire Money Is Legal Tender

By Bud Rodkins

The girl at the bank wouldn't take my Canadian Tire money yesterday.

What's up with that? I've been using my Canadian Tire money for years and years at all kinds of stores (mostly Canadian Tire stores, now that I think of it), and nobody complained. Well, I complained a little, but only because they come in such ridiculously low denominations, like five cents. Who needs a five cent bill? Not me, certainly. I had to save up wads and wads of the stuff just to buy a barbecue.

I started asking my friends, and they were equally puzzled with the bank girl's actions. They did clear up one thing, however, and that was that Canadian Tire money isn't given as change, it's given as a sort of bonus. What kind of crappy bonus is that? I buy a friggen 20$ hammer and they give me six cents "bonus"? Oohh, I'm scoring high now!

Anyway, I examined my bill, and on very close inspection, there are differences between it and regular currency. For instance, although they both share the same green colour, regular money doesn't have a Scottish lad all bundled up for winter printed on it. Also, most standard currency doesn't have the Canadian Tire logo quite so prominently placed. However, as near as I can remember, both currencies have the words "CASH BONUS" emblazoned on them. You can see how I was confused.

There are so many similarities! Both have illegible signatures, both have wee little printing to make photocopying difficult, and both have lots of maple leaves in the background. Well, call me a patriot, but if maple leaves don't a Canadian currency make, then I don't know what does.

I wrote my local MPP, who said, "We regret to inform you that John Higgens is to busy at the time to respond to your questions or comments. He values your input, however, and...." That's what he said. He even trailed off like that in his letter. Man, they're not even trying anymore.

So my Canadian Tire money isn't valid, is it? I wonder if the federal government knows of this little counter-currency operation. After a few phone calls, it became clear that it does. Why they don't shut their Canadian Tire asses down is beyond me. The people on the phone were unclear on that matter.

But I'm fighting back. Every time the lady at the cash gives me Canadian Tire money, I'm going to demand real money. That's only fair. And if the cash lady doesn't give it to me, well, let's just say one of us is going to walk away unhappy.

And you can do your part too! Tell all your friends that their Canadian Tire money is fake and illegitimate! If they don't believe you, or try to get you to shut up and go away, shout it at the top of your lungs so that everybody can hear! I usually foam at the mouth for emphasis. That's the best part.


Bud Rodkins

RN - All Content 2000.