What's Up With Today's TV Ads?

By Eric, The Big "E"

I'm really pissed off, since I've been really bored lately, and I've just been watching a lot of TV. And I mean a lot. It doesn't help my anger at all when I'm sitting around, watching TV, and some stupid commercial comes on. You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones where you know the guy who was directing it had no freakin' clue what kind of commercial to make, so they just made one with the first idea that popped into their heads. From the looks of some of the ads, the directors were sniffing a little too much cleanser when they came up with ideas.

Can anyone please explain to me what's up with Heinz lately, and their moronic commercials? Do they have to be as moronic as possible? I don't know if the director thinks he's being philosophical, but he's not. He probably dropped out of ITT Tech, cause it got a little rough for him, since they have all that rigorous quality screening. Ha ha ha ha! Anyway, so this one commercial comes on where they show a ketchup bottle, and the ketchup's taking a long time to get out. Okay, I understand that. It's a pretty thick liquid. Maybe the asshole could bang on the bottom a bit, and hurry things up. But this commercial had to justify the slow process with the slogan "It only comes out when it's ready." Yeah, alright. Oh, please, can I hear some psychotic description of why it takes so long? Alright!

"It sure takes a long time to come out. That's because it takes a long time to get ready. No one knows what it does to get ready, exactly. It's not like it's putting clothes on, or anything."

Zzzzzz.....Oh, I'm sorry, I nodded off there for a sec. What the hell is up with the director? He's probably the kind of guy that argues with the salt and vinegar over which gets to go on first, and then goes on to consult anyone within listening range. Anything would have been better than this ad. Someone could have thrown a bottle at a wall, then screamed "Bitch!!" and it would have been better. There could have been an ad where some kid shakes the ketchup on his fries, then he's friend surprises him by saying "Ha ha, I can't believe you used that! I shit in the bottle, dumbass!" And yet, this still would have been better. Heinz, feel free to use my ads, without any compensation for me.

Moving on in the world of psycho ads is the Bits and Bites guy. What the hell is up with this guy? He seems lathargic, and yet strangely psychotic, at the same time. If I lived next to this guy, I'd get the hell out of the neighbourhood. He's probably got a garbage bag full of people buried in his lawn. He starts talking about the Bits and Bites, and how your mouth never gets bored eating Bits and Bites. Dude, my mouth never gets bored cause I'm too busy eating...your MOM!! Ha ha ha, wait, better take that back. That freaky Bits and Bites guy will probably come after me. He then goes on to describe every component of his handful, except for the Shreddies. Hmmm...doesn't it seem a little strange that he mentions each component, except the Shreddies? Did he have some Shreddies related accident as a kid? Were his brother and him tossing them at each other, when he accidentally caught a couple in the eye? "Oww, my eye, you moron! This isn't funny anymore!!" And at the end, the guy says "Yeah..." for no reason at all. Who is he talking to? The voices in his head? The way he says it gives me the creeps. It's like he can see into my soul... I'm starting to getted freaked right now!!

Then there's that ad for those tampons. I think they're called "Always". By the way, you shouldn't name a product like tampons "Always." It pretty much goes without saying. I doubt women would want a product called "Sometimes", that occassionally leaks liquids on your underpants. So there's a bunch of guys, with unibrows, standing on a fuckin' mountain, in a strong breeze. Listen, idiots, no one wants to see your wangs. I doubt any women hear a tampon ad coming on the air, and think "God, I hope I see some cocks in this commercial! I'm too damned cheap to buy porno." These assholes can take the time to climb up a mountain, and yet they can't shave their unibrows?!? Come on, give me a break. If you have the time to climb a mountain, take a second and get that friggin' caterpillar off your face. Arghhhh! Sorry... Then the voice over of the women says, "I said new Tampax are quilted, not kilted." Whoah, I guess you've got to be more clear in tampons ads, unless you want some scottish guys misunderstanding what they said. Scottish people will apparently devote there lives to what they've heard in a tampon ad. I can picture some ad with unibrowed scottish dudes, running around killing people "I said new Tampax are quilted, not kill them! Sheesh...you guys really are stupid!"

Now, if there's any kind of ads that I hate the most, it's those fuckin' local television ads for car dealers. The ones that run at the worst times slots, because the business owners could only scrape together 50 bucks from their sock drawers. Here's a tip guys, just because you have a video camera that you maybe got as a Christmas present, and just because you've got a brilliant idea of what kind of an artistic statement you can make with a box of confetti and a sign that says "Hi Mom!", does not mean that you can make a commercial. All you car guys who hold up signs that say "Hi Mom!", stop it immediately. No, really, I'm dead serious. Do you think your mom's proud that you own a car dealership 100s of miles away from civilization, where you sell old, beat up cars with cum stained seats? I can only assume they're cummed stained, cause people in such rural areas have nothing better to do than pull into a K-Mart parking lots and beat-off to lingerie ads. Believe me, I know! Moms would rather not admit that their sons own car dealership that make some of the worst advertising known to man. Here would be a typical conversation between a mom, and maybe one of her friends:

"Hey, Susan, I heard your son was caught jamming razor blades into cupcakes for orphans!"

"Yeah, but at least he's not one of those lame ass car salesmen who make those shitty ads."

"Good point, let's get naked and watch Power Rangers!"

Ok, so maybe that last part isn't true, but you get my point. One time, I was watching NBC's Rochester affiliate (by the way, Rochester seems to have the highest per capita shooting levels), and this commercial for Moyle's car dealership came on. His daughters kept talking to customers, and then at the end of the ad, for no reason, the daughters say "He really is our Dad!!" What the hell? So? Who cares? Just what is the relevance of this statement? Is this supposed to influence us to buy cars? Was it so that no bizarre accusations were made?

"You know, I hope this car guy is this father, and didn't just kidnap a couple of girls to film an ad for them. If only there was some way to know for sure..." If anything, this ad made me not want to buy cars from him. Would you really want to be shopping for some car, and be hounded by little girls nagging you as to why you're shopping at Moyle?

"Why did you decide to shop at Moyle?"

"Uh...because I saw your ad, and you guys looked really hard up for money. I didn't even bring cash here. I just brought this bologna sandwich, so that maybe we could trade, and you're not really in any position to negotiate."

Looking at the Moyle dealership owner, I think the guy would be all over my sandwich like white on rice. In yet another car ad, they use this arbitrary measurement. When describing where they're located, they say "Just a glide east of Clyde!" Huh? How far is a glide? Is that an actual measurement? I can picture all these confused people, driving around like morons, just cause someone couldn't use actual distance measurements. And another thing, please stop using the dumbest promotions ever. This one car dealership promises a 2000 dollar trade in on any car you bring in. Any car that you bring in. Is that clear to you? It seems pretty clear to me, but the commercial goes on to describe a number of methods for moving the car, and the different ways in which it could be damaged "We don't care if you push, pull, drag, throw, lift, haul, move, levitate, teleport it in, cause it's still worth 2000 off. It could be smashed up, trashed, emotionally scarred, severely beaten, disciplined severely, holding a grudge, pissed off at society as a whole, have a fetish for cheese, but it's still worth 2000 off!! Whoah!!!"

Ok, this is unrelated to my editorial, but there's some moron on TV right now with a shirt that says "Spanky Time." Please, if anyone sees this shirt, pick it up for me. I, too, wish to own my very own cheap looking t-shirt, with some woman with a whip, and clad in leather, with the ingenious slogan "Spanky Time."

ED - All Content 2000.