TV Rules!

By Eric, The Big "E"

One thing I really love is TV. Especially, those tabloid style shows like the E! documentaries. They can manage to make anyone look sleazy. "Minnie And Mickey Mouse: Crack Whore And Womanizing Bastard, the story is coming up next." Although maybe Disney's not the best example to use, what with all those animators sneaking pornographic messages into their movies. You know you're not getting any when you're putting erotic messages into kid's cartoons. "Hey, you gotta see this Fred. I drew some nipples into the sand. Oh man, I've been masturbating furiously over this frame for the last half hour?" "What, only a half hour?" But when you think about it, all the signs were their that Disney was getting a little raunchy. I mean, Donald didn't even wear any pants. He was wearing a shirt, but pants were a little too much trouble for him. I'm into personal freedom and all that, but duck genitalia? That's disgusting.

Talk shows are sometimes fun to watch to watch. One time, I was watching one of the talk shows, I think it was Jenny Jones, and one of the couples got into an argument over these lie detector results. So the show cut away, and when it came back the two people were separated by a friggin' table. A table! What's up with that? I can't count how many times I've wanted to get into a bar room brawl, but I couldn't. "Yo man, I'd mess your ass up if I didn't have this damn stool in my way." They could have at least put something with a little more heft between them, maybe that fat dude that Jerry helped bust out. But this was like a little sissy coffee table. I've had farts that have knocked them over. Well, not really, but I probably could. Maybe on 25 cent wings night. But Sally is one of worst ones, for a number of reasons. She has this voice that sounds like an angry busdriver, she wears the ugliest red glasses in the world, and she doesn't have any lips. Everytime I see her, she's drawn on lips with her lipstick. My brother drew a six-pack with a marker once, and he didn't impress anyone. And it got all smeared, and it just looked totally sad. One time, I taped a plastic comb to my head, and claimed I had a mustache, and yet that's still more effective than that lipstick job Sally did.

Music television is pretty good, except that since they seem to poll a lot of teenage girls you end up getting like 20 boy band videos. But I hate when that fuckin' Kid Rock video comes on, "American Bad-Ass". No offence, Kid Rock, but anorexic people don't seem too "bad" to me. If he ever got in a fight, he'd probably fall over due to malnutrition before the fight was over. And there's this one part where he turns to the TV and goes, "Are you scared?" then the TV screen cracks. I remember the first time I saw it, I thought, "Man, Kid Rock sucks so bad that the TV sacrificed itself so that I wouldn't be exposed to this video. Thanks TV!!" Then I realized that it was just some effect they used. Wow!! Good one! The baddest people are the ones who can trash TVs. My brother fucked up a portable TV once cause he left it on the floor in the car. Does that count? If so, can he join your totally "bad-ass" gang? Oh yeah, I've gotta say this. In his "Real Slim Shady" song, Eminem's like, "Sometimes I wanna get on TV and just let loose, but can't, but it's cool for Tom Green to hump a dead moose." You know why you're not allowed to let loose? Cause you're not funny. No, I'm serious. Tom Green has a really funny show. In comparison, Eminem had a segment on MTV where he went up to people and said, "Say, 'I'm Slim Shady!'" They're like, "Uh..yeah, ok, I'm Slim Shady." Then he'd just smile to himself, like he was the only one who got it. It's like a kid who draws a picture of a turd and says, "Here's you!"

I also used to watch Batman a lot, the original campy sixties series. It used to be funny how they'd run out of words to use in the fight sequences. "Blam! Pow! Zap! Boff! Zwa-Zwapp!!" Zwa-Zwap?!? That was actually used on the show. What the fuck is that? Has any body ever heard that sound when they hit someone? "Zwa-Zwappp! Kablamo!" The villains henchmen always had their names written on their shirts. These villains always had, at the most, like 3 henchmen. Is it too much to ask for their names to be memorized? Some genius master criminals, eh? "Kitty, get over heerrrrre!" "No, I'm not Kitty. I'm Catnip!" "Let me make this purrrrfectly clear. Don't talk back to me!" Cause a lot of the villains would say stuff like, "Purrrfect." Or "Eggsactly." They're the only ones who can get away with that. Imagine going to your proctologist, "Butts-amatta wit you!" "Ahhhh, dude, put some fucking gloves on!!!"

What does all this mean? Nothing, really, I just like TV. Now, if you'll excuse me, this is taking valuable time away from, you guessed it, TV!!!!

ED - All Content 2000.