UPS Unable to Deliver Parcel

UPS delivery-person Thomas Rudson was faced with an unusual situation on July 23rd. For the first time in his 4 years of service Rudson was forced to return to the Phoenix branch of UPS with and undelivered package.

The package in question was addressed simply to "the road-runner". After a brief search Rudson was able to locate the "runner", but that was only the beginning of his problems. "When I approached [the road-runner] he just made this strange meeping noise and then disappeared, leaving a small cloud of dust" Rudson said, describing his initial encounter with the road-runner.

"I took off after him in the truck, hoping to catch up and explain that I was simply trying to deliver a parcel addressed to him. I managed to get close and I was still gaining on him, when all of a sudden he said 'meep meep', and accelerated quickly down the road... It was almost as if he was taunting me." Rudson continued. "Even so, that road-runner certainly does deserve the name 'velocitus extremis'."

"Anyways, I called my supervisor, Mr. Johnson, and he said that I still needed to get the signature". When reached for comment Mr. Johnson said only that "getting a signature for every package is company policy... I don't make the rules, I just make sure my employees follow them".

Rudson, who had already been reprimanded that week, decided to continue trying to get the signature, fearing for his job. "Man, my girlfriend would kill me if she found out I'd been fired" explained Rudson.

"I took a shortcut to get ahead of the road-runner, and then I set up a trap for him... I set a pile of birdseed up on the road, with a painted X beneath it. When he stopped, I figured I'd just grab him and make him sign the papers. But when I jumped out at him, he ran off and I wound up going straight into a cliff face." said Rudson, recounting his second attempt for the signature.

Rudsons further attempts also met with little success. "I tried everything... rocket skates, decoy road-runners made of TNT, spring-loaded boxing gloves, I even bought a supercomputer to give me suggestions." Rudson continued. "Everything I tried simply backfired in some hilarious manner..."

Not all of Rudson's luck was bad, however. "I tell you, it's a good thing I had that miniature umbrella or the boulder that fell on me could have done some serious damage."

Despite his setbacks, Rudson vows to deliver the package, saying "I have to... if not to protect my job, then to safeguard my status as 'super genius'."

PW - All Content 2000.