Spontaneous Ass-Whuppings On The Rise

By Eric, the "Big E"

If you've been walking around outside recently, then you may have noticed a disturbing trend. It seems that spontaneous ass-whuppings are on the rise. Everywhere you go, you can see someone being subjected to a savage ass-whupping. You may think that it's funny, "Ha ha!! That guy's got someone's foot in his ass! That's gotta hurt!" You snicker to yourself, and think that the loser had it coming. You believe that a spontaneous ass-whupping will never come your way. You think that no one could want to do that to you. Well, that's what I thought, and then it happened to me...

At first, I looked at the rising trend towards spontaneous ass-whuppings as being a good thing. I looked at the statistics (13% of people whooped in the rear area in 1982, now up to a startling high of 32% in 1999), and it left me with a warm, happy feeling. I thought that people were going to get what was coming to them. People like Jane Seymour, The Olsen Twins, and Jenny Jones were all going to get what they deserved. That all changed when I was the victim of an unexpected ass-whupping.

It happened when I was at McDonald's. I was standing at the front of the line, and pondering my order. I wondered if I should try the McExtra combo, since it came with a chocolate bar, or if I should stick to my conventional order of a Big Mac Extra-Value meal. While I was trying to decide my order, I was interrupted by a loud voice booming from behind. "How bizarre, how bizarre!", I thought to myself.

"You could have made up your friggin' mind when you were at the back of the line!", boomed the loud, obnoxious voice . I politely responded by telling the man that he should, "Shut his freakin' mouth! You probably can live off your fat for another 3 years." The man did not find the comment as humourous as I did, and promptly proceeded to break his foot off in my ass. While sat on the ground, in grueling physical pain, his rotund wife took the opportunity to get a few shots in.

Something like that truly changes you. Now when I see people enduring physical agony in the posterior region, I feel for their pain. I know what it's like.

I blame the rising media glorification of ass-whuppings. For example, WWF wrestler "Stone Cold" Steve Austin has a saying which goes like, "Austin 3:16 says I just whupped your ass." Nowadays, kids walk around with Austin 3:16 t-shirts, thinking that ass-whuppings are the cool thing to do and that no one really gets heart. My ass tends to disagree with this theory.

Video games are also to blame for the problem. They are the site of fighting games which feature people fighting for no reason other than the fact that they just want to. Bright colourful explosions often accompany these fighter's movements and attacks. If something isn't done about the problem of these fighting games, then kids may start blinding people with their colourful movements, and scorching each other with burning balls of plasma, not to mention the many bruises left by ass-whuppings.

In conclusion, something has to be done about the media's positive portrayal of violent ass-whoppings. You may laugh now, but you sure as hell won't be laugh when someone has their foot halfway up your ass, and they're bashing you with fluorescent green glowing fists of fury.

ED - All Content 2000.