30 Dollars Dude

If you have ever been to ERIC.COM, you will find a list of people named Eric... and their e-mail addresses. The following is actual correspondance between myself and some of these Erics... Any personal references in the letters come from what they said about themselves on the website.


To: Eric Williams

how do you do?

how is Webb middle school? it's quite the school, if you're in Garland, Texas. Seeing as things are so well for you, perhaps you could be sendin' me some props.

By props, I refer to 30 dollars.

please send me 30 dollars, asap.

sincerely,
30 dollars dude.

***

To: 30 dollars dude

uhm, who are you?

and I dont go to webb

***

To: Eric Williams

Re: your attendance at Webb

You do attend Webb. Oh, but you do, you do. Your "webb" of lies has not gone unnoticed.

Re: the 30 dollars

please send me the 30 dollars because i am needing them soon. if you do not send the 30 dollars then please send 20 dollars.

***

To: 30 dollars dude

I dont go to webb and I'm not sending you crap

so go away.

***

To: Eric Williams

Dear Eric: Perhaps you misunderstood. You DO go to webb, and you WILL send me 30 dollars. 30 dollars is not crap. 30 dollars is 30 dollars. In conclusion, please send the 30 dollars. If you cannot afford the 30 dollars, please tell your parents to send them to me.

Thanks in advance,
30 dollars man

***

To: 30 dollars man

fuck off

***

To: Eric Williams

Re: "fuck off"

Dearest Eric:

Fuck you. You will send the fucking 30 dollars, you god damned bastard fuck. You will say "Fuck me! I should fucking send him the fucking 30 dollars! Fuck fuck fuck!" shortly before you post them to me. This is the way it must be.

As profane as you are, I still expect the money. You cannot squirm your way out of this one, my sweet. Please send the 30 dollars asap.

If you cannot afford 30 dollars, please send me 20 dollars. If you cannot afford 20 dollars, please send me 10 dollars. You CAN afford 10 dollars, Eric. You know that you can, and in your heart, it bothers you that wealth is not evenly distributed. You dream of one day seizing the means of production and turning the state into a proletariat utopia. These thoughts trouble you, as you have been raised as a green-eyed capitalist, but they are there nonetheless.

Admit it.

While you go about this personal realization, please do not forget that I am needing the 30 dollars.

ps. how is webb, anyway?

Sincerely,
30 dollars man

***

To: 30 dollars man

I don't go to webb, I go to Damann high school
I'm not sending you the damn 30 dollars
so fuck off

***

To: Eric Williams

You don't go to Webb? Really? Well, congratulations! Seeing as you're going to Damann high school, you can now greet your friends with a high-five and the words "Who Damann?" You da man, eric, you da man.

So, my dear, I think enough time has gone by. It is certainly time that you sent me the dollars I've been asking for. Please forward them to me immediently.

***

END OF CORRESPONDANCE

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To: Eric Wood

Eric is a senior at Princeton High School. He is looking to make a career of computing and hopes to start by joining the air force. In addition to emulating Windows on his Macintosh, Eric enjoys playing games, be it flight simulator on his Mac or Castlevania on video game consoles. Eric's taste in music tends to favor '60's and '70's rock, especially the Doors. Eric has spent most of his life in Minnesota but has been out of the state. He spent some time in Superior, Wisconsin, just across a bay from Duluth, Minnesota. As an enlightened individual, Eric believes in God and that Jesus Christ is our savior. Eric's ancestry is Swiss and German and is currently learning German. And he would like to let the ladies of the Net know that he is single and available.

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To: 30 dollars man

Gee, thanks for the reminder of my profile of eric.com. Why did you send this to me?

***

To: Eric Wood

hello

I sent it in the hopes that you would send me 30 dollars. Please send me 30 dollars.

Yours,
30 dollars man.

***

To: 30 dollars man

Why would I give you $30 for wasting my time with an email like that? Take your insanity elsewhere...

Sincerely,
Eric Wood

***

To: Eric Wood

My Dearest Eric:

Please send me the 30 dollars as soon as possible, my sweet. My heart breaks for every moment we are apart, and the only thing that can ease my mournful suffering are the 30 dollars. Please send them to me immediently.

ps. if you do not have the 30 dollars, please feel free to obtain them through a life of crime and debauchery.

Yours, my love,
30 dollars man

***

END OF CORRESPONDANCE

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***

To: Eric

This is your quotation:

Scratch any man
and you'll find... wait,
a little to the right,
oh yeah, right there,
harder, harder...

Dear Eric,

I found your quotation inexplicably arousing. Please forward more of such erotica to this address for my personal enjoyment.

ps. please also forward 30 dollars.

Sincerely,
30 dollars dude.

***

END OF CORRESPONDANCE

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***

To: Eric

This is your quotation:

Quote:
I'm right and
your stupid.

Eric, eric, eric. Where did we go wrong?

See, if you're going to commit yourself (in writing, no less) of any such controversial and frankly in-my-face comment, for god's sake man, at least read it over once.

Do it now.

See, you look like a complete butt-head. "I'm right and your stupid"? What the hell is that? Using "your" when you should use "you're" only makes you look like the biggest god-damned idiot on the face of the entire planet. Christ.

I mean, why not just write "I'm write and you're wrong"? It's the same kind of glaring, retarded error that I'm sure only you could make. Better yet, how about "Im rite end yor rong"? It's just as respectable, you moron.

Eric, please, have some respect for yourself at the very least. You look like a idiot. And from where I stand, you smell like one too.

ps.

please send me 30 dollars.

Sincerely,
30 dollars dude.

***

To: 30 dollars dude

where is that my quote. i stopped using that one long ago. keep in mind, that i am still an ass, but i'd like to know the sourse of my ass-dom

-eric

***

To: Eric

To which quote to you refer, sir? I sent out many an email that day, and would appreciate it if you would, in our future correspondance, quote the entire message. However, I do seem to recall an extremely abusive email, stemming from the fact that you could not manipulate the English language skillfully enough to express your thoughts.

Again, you disappoint me.

Let's start at the beginning, shall we?

"where is that my quote."

First off: Capital Letters are standardly used to begin a sentence. Question marks are kosher if one wishes to denote a question. And sentences are usually designed as to make sense. If I were to write "where are that my 30 dollars," you would think me a fool.

Bitch.

Which reminds me: please send me the 30 dollars. I am becoming quite impatient with your increasingly inplausable excuses for the delays. Send the 30 dollars now.

Sincerely,
30 dollars man

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END OF CORRESPONDANCE

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***

To: Eric

You're not funny; you're retarded.

Please send me 30 dollars.

Sincerely,

30 Dollars Man.

***

To: 30 Dollars Man

I might not be funny, but I have 30 dollars more than you do. AHAHAHAHAH...hah...henh...oh my...

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END OF CORRESPONDANCE

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