Letters from a MADHOUSE

To: Delta Air Customer Care
Subject: Assistance
From: Pat Wisking

I'm an avid sky diver, and I've flown with your airline before. The service was quite good, I'm pleased to report!

My question is in regards to a trip to Montana I'm planning. I recently noticed that it is less than twice as expensive to fly to California than Montana. I was wondering if it would be possible to purchase half a ticket to California then, over Montana have the pilot descend to about 7000 feet.

Since I'm a fairly accomplished Skydiver, I could pop out fairly quickly... There might not even be a significant loss of pressure. Do you think you can accomodate my request?

To: Pat Wisking
Subject: Re: Assistance
From: Brian Keith

Hello Pat,

Thank you for your e-mail to Delta Air Lines.

Good question. We have at least 4 problems we need to overcome before we can even consider your request. First, there is a device on all commercial aircraft called a "D.B.Cooper" that prohibits anyone from exiting the aircraft while it is in flight. Second, fares are calculated from point "A" to point "B" so, if you jump over Montana, we would still have to charge you the correct fare. Three, we would need the approval of all of the other passengers onboard the aircraft. Fourth, it is illegal, we don't think the FAA would approve your interesting request.

You may want to wait until a special fare is introduced in the market you need, use SkyMiles for your ticket or fly into a city nearby that has a less expensive fare. You can contact Delta's Domestic Reservations Department at 1-800-221-1212 or SkyMiles Reservations at 1-800-323-2323 for assistance.

We appreciate your interest in Delta Air Lines.

Sincerely,

Brian Keith
Online Customer Support
http://www.delta-air.com

To: Brian Keith
Subject: Assistance
From: Pat Wisking

Thanks for your prompt reply, Brian!

Although I knew you might have some problems with my request, I thought it was worth a try... The Canadian Dollar being the way it is, us canucks have to squeeze every penny while travelling in the States.

You're right, though... those are some serious issues. But issues 1, 3 and 4 aren't that bad.

There're no ill-gotten moneys involved, so I could probably elude the "D.B. Cooper".

I've also noticed that a soft-drink named "Mountain Dew", brewed in the states seems to imbue all who consume it with an insatiable thirst for adrenaline pumping activities. By serving that on the plane, I'm certain that nobody would have a problem with me jumping from a jet aircraft. As for the law, I wouldn't tell if you don't.

But these points are moot, since I would still have to pay the full fare, defeating the whole purpose of the activity. Should Delta ever revise that policy, be sure to let me know.

Perhaps though, you offer discounts for those of minimal carriage. I know through experience that a certain Canadian air carrier doesn't... I argued that myself being a slender 57Kg should not pay the same as larger passengers, some frankly of unwieldy proportions. I got a few extra bags of honey-roasted peanuts for my efforts, but they stood fast on the fare. Where exactly does Delta stand on this issue(the fare, not the peanuts, as delicious as they may be)?

Thanks again.

-Pat

To: Marble Slab Creamery, Inc.
Subject: Marble Slab?
From: Ryan North

I don't know about you, but I don't find the idea of eating a "marble slab" appetizing. Will it break my teeth? Do you sell many "marble slabs" for people to eat? What about ice cream? Perhaps you should change your name to "Sweet as Sugah Slab 'o' Fun.

sincerely
Ryan

To: Ryan North
Subject: Marble Slab
From: Ryan North

Ryan,

You really need to visit our store (if you haven't already) to have the "Marble Slab" experience. You don't eat a marble slab, we use a frozen marble slab to mix your choice of our freshly-made ice cream combined with our "mixins" such as fresh fruit, candy, nuts, cookies, etc. Once it is all combined, we place it on a fresh-baked waffle cone. So, a marble slab is not something you eat, it's something you come in our store to experience!

Sincerely,

Robbin Thompson
Office Administrator
Marble Slab Creamery, Inc.

To: Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
Subject: Ice-creamery taste
From: Ryan North

Dear Ben, (Jerry and I are not on speaking terms)

I really enjoy your ice cream. In fact, my friends say "You sure do enjoy your ice cream Ryan!" (My name is Ryan) But I have a problem. My problem is that I like my ice cream too much

You probably say "Nobody likes ice cream too much" but it is a fact that I do. I used to have one scoop after dinner (with cone). Then I felt my ice cream needs would best be served by two scoops (in a bowl). Soon that was not enough. Is it wrong to make a meal out of ice cream?

What I am doing now is taking a cone with two scoops, taking another cone with two scoops, and mushing them together. This gives me 4 scoops in a 2 scoop space (as the ice cream is pressed to the very base of the cone) with 2-handle features. It is quite gluttonous, as my peers are apt to point out. I know, but I cannot stop. Do you have franchises in Canada?

Can you help me with your problem? Perhaps you could make a flavour of ice cream so awful that it would gradually wean me off my habit. I spend over $200 a month for your premium cream. That is too much for someone like me. I'm also fat

Send Help,
Ryan

To: Ryan North
Subject: Your comments
From: Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream

[entire message quoted]
I'm sorry, but we don't have franchise opportunities in Canada at this time.

To: Edy's Grand Ice Cream
Subject: I like ice cream!
From: Ryan North

I hear how you make ice cream for home use.

I would like to have some of this ice cream, as I eat a lot of ice cream (3 scoops/day). Haagen Daaz is too expensive for me, so now I eat 'Ice Creamz' brand iced cream. It is cheaper, but hurts my stomach. So I thought to myself, "You know what Ryan?" (my name is Ryan) "You know what Ryan? You should buy some 'Here's the Scoop' brand ice cream machines." I agreed, but I had trouble determining whether or not I had just made them up.

But now I have found that your ice cream (Edy's Grand Ice Cream) is reasonably priced and reasonably delicious!

Please forward information on obtaining this ice cream in large quantities, and in dealing with obesity.

Sincerely,
Ryan

To: Ryan North
Subject: Re: Ice Cream Comments
From: Angela Miller, Consumer Relations Representative

November 9, 1999


Dear Mr. North:

Thank you for visiting our website and for your E-mail message. It is always a pleasure to hear from our consumers whose ideas, comments and concerns are very important to us here at Edy's Grand Ice Cream.

Please let us know the area you find our ice cream in, and we can provide the phone number for our distributor to that area. You may also try calling Edy's Foodservice at 1-800-739-3397. They may be able to provide more information on buying our products in bulk.

We appreciate your interest in our company and the time you have taken to contact us.

Sincerely,





Angela Miller
Consumer Relations Representative

Ref # N100487


END OF CORRESPONDENCE

The funniest part of the above message was that she had left space for signing her name - in the email. Also, it turns out there actually is a www.heresthescoop.com website, which contains the following white text on a white background, presumably to raise their hits:

franchise opportunity franchise opportunities franchise in New Jersey franchise opportunities in New Jersey franchise opportunities in NJ franchise in NJ franchise ice cream franchise ice cream yogurt sherbet sorbet italian ice non fat soft serve ice cream mix wholesale retail baskin robbins dairy queen haagen dazs breslers carvel tcby icby novelties delivery freezer welsh farms ice cream equipment ice cream supplies manufacture manufacturing homemade gourmet freezer truck toppings sundae distributors hard ice cream bulk ice cream tub ice cream yogurt sherbet sorbet italian ice non fat soft serve ice cream mix wholesale retail baskin robbins dairy queen haagen dazs breslers carvel tcby icby novelties delivery freezer welsh farms ice cream equipment ice cream supplies manufacture manufacturing homemade gourmet freezer truck toppings sundae distributors hard ice cream bulk ice cream tub ice cream yogurt sherbet sorbet italian ice non fat soft serve ice cream mix wholesale retail baskin robbins dairy queen haagen dazs breslers carvel tcby icby novelties delivery freezer welsh farms ice cream equipment ice cream supplies manufacture manufacturing homemade gourmet freezer truck toppings sundae distributors hard ice cream bulk ice cream tub ice cream yogurt sherbet sorbet italian ice non fat soft serve ice cream mix wholesale retail baskin robbins dairy queen haagen dazs breslers carvel tcby icby novelties delivery freezer welsh farms ice cream equipment ice cream supplies manufacture manufacturing homemade gourmet freezer truck toppings sundae distributors hard ice cream bulk ice cream tub ice cream yogurt sherbet sorbet italian ice non fat soft serve ice cream mix wholesale retail baskin robbins dairy queen haagen dazs breslers carvel tcby icby novelties delivery freezer welsh farms ice cream equipment ice cream supplies manufacture manufacturing homemade gourmet freezer truck toppings sundae distributors hard ice cream bulk ice cream tub ice cream yogurt sherbet sorbet italian ice non fat soft serve ice cream mix wholesale retail baskin robbins dairy queen haagen dazs breslers carvel tcby icby novelties delivery freezer welsh farms ice cream equipment ice cream supplies manufacture manufacturing homemade gourmet freezer truck toppings sundae distributors hard ice cream bulk ice cream tub ice cream yogurt sherbet sorbet italian ice non fat soft serve ice cream mix wholesale retail baskin robbins dairy queen haagen dazs breslers carvel tcby icby novelties delivery freezer welsh farms ice cream equipment ice cream supplies manufacture manufacturing homemade gourmet freezer truck toppings sundae distributors hard ice cream bulk ice cream tub ice cream yogurt sherbet sorbet italian ice non fat soft serve ice cream mix wholesale retail baskin robbins dairy queen haagen dazs breslers carvel tcby icby novelties delivery freezer welsh farms ice cream equipment ice cream supplies manufacture manufacturing homemade gourmet freezer truck toppings sundae distributors hard ice cream bulk ice cream tub ice cream yogurt sherbet sorbet italian ice non fat soft serve ice cream mix wholesale retail baskin robbins dairy queen haagen dazs breslers carvel tcby icby novelties delivery freezer welsh farms ice cream equipment ice cream supplies manufacture manufacturing homemade gourmet freezer truck toppings sundae distributors hard ice cream bulk ice cream tub ice cream yogurt sherbet sorbet italian ice non fat soft serve ice cream mix wholesale retail baskin robbins dairy queen haagen dazs breslers carvel tcby icby novelties delivery freezer welsh farms ice cream equipment ice cream supplies manufacture manufacturing homemade gourmet freezer truck toppings sundae distributors hard ice cream bulk ice cream tub ice cream yogurt sherbet sorbet italian ice non fat soft serve ice cream mix wholesale retail baskin robbins dairy queen haagen dazs breslers carvel tcby icby novelties delivery freezer welsh farms ice cream equipment ice cream supplies manufacture manufacturing homemade gourmet freezer truck toppings sundae distributors hard ice cream bulk ice cream tub ice cream yogurt sherbet sorbet italian ice non fat soft serve ice cream mix wholesale retail baskin robbins dairy queen haagen dazs breslers carvel tcby icby novelties delivery freezer welsh farms ice cream equipment ice cream supplies manufacture manufacturing homemade gourmet freezer truck toppings sundae distributors hard ice cream bulk ice cream tubice cream, yogurt, sherbet, sorbet, italian ice, non fat, soft serve, ice cream mix, wholesale, retail, baskin robbins, dairy queen, haagen dazs, breslers, carvel, tcby, icby, novelties, delivery, freezer, welsh farms, ice cream equipment, ice cream supplies, manufacture, manufacturing, homemade, gourmet, freezer truck, toppings, sundae, distributors, hard ice cream, bulk ice cream, tub, Italian ice, Basking Robbins, Dairy Queen, Haagen Dazs, Breslers, Carvel,Franchise, carvel franchise, dairy queen franchise, haagen dazs franchise, basking robbins franchise, tcby franchose, icby franchise, ice cream franchise, South Plainfield, So. Plainfield, Middlesex Count

I'm tempted to think this company is fake. I mean, beside the name, they are situated in "Manville, New Jersey?" That town must down the road from "Lesbian Lanes, USA". The whole web site feels like a prank somebody got half-way through and decided it wasn't worth it.

To: Scope Customer Service
Subject: Damn Scope Cup
From: Ryan North

Dear Scope, I have a problem.

You sell large bottles of Scope(TM) with a very large cup on the top at my local Price Club, presumably for pouring the Scope into before mouthwashing. Here's my beef:

You say to use 40mL of Scope(TM) as a recommended dosage. Yet, the cup is sized much larger than 40mL; perhaps it's even as large as 50mL! This peeves me off.

The only reason I can think of having a cup larger than the recommended dosage is because you want to mislead people into using more than they need to, so you'll sell more Scope(TM)! How moral is that? A: It's not.

ryan.

To: Ryan North
Subject: Re: Web comments
From: Jason, CDN Email Team

Thanks for contacting Scope.

We were sorry to hear that you were displeased with Scope packaging. Many people use it regularly and like it. The label in fact reads use 30ml of product. In addition to this our intent as a company is never to "mislead" a consumer as you stated and we were upset that you are confused into believing this. The cap itself is of such a large size for several reasons. The first being that a bottle with a product like this needs to have some form of a security seal to it. With this security seal comes the need for some size and also the need for a good grip for some of the more elderly folk to able to open it. We still get comments about the product cap being too small to open. Furthermore, if you were to fill the cap to the line that is in the cap, you would have just under 30 mL. In any case, all opinions are important to us and we will certainly share your comments to our Product Development Team.

Once again, thanks for visiting www.scope.com.

Jason CDN Email Team

To: Scope CDN Email Team
Subject: Re: Scope
From: Ryan

Dear Jason,

I am sorry for my previous message. I now regret it. It was written in anger and does not properly reflect my attitudes towards Scope. Truth be told, I was a bit peeved over my dealing with another company (Zest).

Please do not bother to pass my comments on. If you already have, please contact those whom you originally spoke to and explain that you (or rather, I) were/was wrong and apoligize. You can say "Don't worry guys, that whole cap thing has blown over" to the product development team. That will doubtlessly cause many less headaches.

I do have a further question. Sometimes my mouth is all tingly when I use my Scope. Is this normal.

Regards,
Ryan

To: Ryan
Subject: Re: Scope
From: Shari

Hi Ryan, thanks for contacting Scope.

We appreciate you taking the time to write us back and we will definitely pass your regrets along to our Scope Team (even though they weren't necessary). We do, however, apologize for your frustrations in dealing with our other company, Zest. Scope is intended to leave a tingling, refreshing feeling in your mouth. That just means that it has done its job in killing the germs in your mouth.

Again, thanks for contacting Scope.

Shari CDN Email Team

To: Shari
Subject: Re: Scope
From: Ryan

Dear Shari,

I suppose I did not realize the "Scope" of my problem. Hah, that's a little mouthwash humour for you there. Don't worry, it's clean.

You should perhaps tell your sister company Zest to go to its room until it can discuss the issues reasonable and calmly. They're a bunch of wild hooligans down there at Zest, believe me. I'm not accustomed to corporations using the phrase "utter f**king foolishness" Not that they used it, granted, but you can tell that they were thinking it.

The amazing germ-killing action of Scope is what gives the tingly feeling? Gross! I don't want germs living in my mouth, breeding cess and disease and puss! That is quite disgusting. Does it mean that if it doesn't tingle, there are no germs? Because I will try to get it not to tingle then.

ps. Where can I meet the girl in your commercials? The one on the bus? She's hot.

Sincerely,
Ryan

RN - All Content 2000.