New articles marked with a wacky symbol:
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Society
• Alien Abducted By Rednecks
• Area Man Claims That He'll Definitely Win Big
• Bunch Of Crazy Kids Make Up News Stories, Present Them As Fact
~ Dollar King Assassinated
• Female Residents of Lesbos Rally Against "Lesbian" Moniker
• Horny Man Extremely Disappointed With 1-900 Line's Service
• Kasparov Demands Rematch Against VCR
~ Local Janitor Demands Respect, Mop
~ Local Man Uninspired by Hollow Corporate Catchphrase
~ Man Cryogenically Frozen In Fifties Extremely Disappointed
• Mary Jane's Chest Grows An Additional 17%
• Ontario Man Initially Confused by Thesaurus
• Really Freaky Liquid Found In Back Of Fridge
• Science Fiction Revealed To Be Thinly Veiled Social Commentary
• Teachers Implement Mandatory Competency Testing For Politicians
• The Shredder Actually Dines On Turtle Soup

Technology
• Apple Introduces New Streamlined Macs
• ATI Launches Revolutionary All-In Wonder
• Criminal Element Delt Blow With Issue of Rocket Boots to Regional Police Force
• DeVry Graduate Institutionalized
• Internet Sex Saturation Now At 95%
• Nearly Tragic Incident Caused by 'Black Box'

Entertainment
• Cousin Itt Savagely Beaten By Pac-Man
• Dogs Launch A Desperate Plea At Mariah Carey: "Please Stop Singing!"
• Elton John Can't Explain, But It's Something About The Way I Look Tonight
• Entertainment Tonight Disapproves Of New Film
~ Hollywood News Update
• Jay Leno Expresses Outrage At Kevin Eubanks
• Jenny Jones Celebrates A First
• K-tel Announces New 90's Compilation
• Local Man "Disappointed" With Last Night's Xena Episode
• Mario, Sonic, Crash Unite Against Pokιmon
• Middle-Aged Man Disappointed By Britney Spears Concert
• Minnie Driver Appearing In Court
• Parappa Sued For Plagurism
~ Reader Proves He Can Create Better Site Than MADHOUSE
• Show Sends Man Spiralling Into Coma
• Star Wars Addict Already In Line For Episode 2
• T.V.'s Ally McBeal Suffers Horrible Tragedy
• Unsolved Mysteries Runs Out Of Mysteries
~ X-Men Movie Coming Along Nicely, Says Professor X

Business
• Aspiring Soccer Player Chooses "Purple Stuff" Over Sunny D
• Business Follows Example Set by Government
• Disney Reveals Controversial Choices For New Tarzan Action-Figures
• eBay Records The Highest Bid Ever Made On Its Site
• Kraft Introduces "Moron Mac"
• Mr. T Opens Mexican Restaurant
~ There's Nothing Funny About Copyright Infringement
• Time Merges With Seventeen
• UPS Unable to Deliver Parcel
• VW Ad Causes High School Chemistry Student To Fail

Editorials
• A.D.D.'s Not A Problem For Me
• Alf Vs. Mr. Belvedere
• Alternatives to Napster
~ Are You A Bad Enough Dude To Rescue The President?
• Do Cheesy Pick-Up Lines Work?
• Hollywood's Portrayal Of Cyborgs Is Threatening Their Survival
• How To Be The Life Of Any Party
• I Don't Care If Gloria Gaynor Was Initally Afraid Or Petrified, That Woman Ruined My Cake
• I'm Into My Frosh, Fuck
• I'm Not In A Frenzi
• I'm Not Sure, But I Don't Think My Canadian Tire Money Is Legal Tender
• I'm Totally Psyched About Last Summer's Movies
• It's Hammer Time
• Jimmy Crack Corn, And I Care
~ My Mail Lady Is The Best
~ My Summer Plans
• Naked Old Men Aren't Cool
~ Pornography!!
• Quite Adequate For A Man Of My Racial Denomination
~ Skid Row, Man!
• Spontaneous Ass-Whuppings On The Rise
• Star Trek Conventions Are The Bomb!
• Technology In General Is A Pallid Substitute For My Lackluster Social Life
• That Coffee Shop Is So Totally Last Year
• The Dentist: It Really Bites
~ Those Pesky Kids
• TV Is A Pallid Substitute For My Lackluster Social Life
~ Wang Star
~ What's Up With Today's TV Ads?
• Why America's Funniest Home Videos is America's Funniest Television Show
• You Attractive Individual, You.
• You Pinko Mofo

Our World
~ Authorities Agree: The Entire Nation Deserves a Thumbs Up!
• Bouchard Uses Time Machine To Create "Favourable Conditions"
• Bouchard Uses Time Machine To Escape From Future, Aided By Past Self
• Homogenization Of American Culture Nearly Complete
• NASA Unveils Earth's New Asteroid Defense
• Obesity Linked to Eating
~ Overwhelming National Sentiment: "Leave it alone and it'll take care of itself"
• Pop Music Revealed as "Repetitive"
• Pirates Of Pestulon No Longer A Threat
• Satan Retires, Claiming "It's just too easy."
• Something Other Than Television and Video Games Blamed For Violence
~ Unusual Book Ending Casts Doubt Over The Nature Of Reality
~ World Still Feigning Polite Interest In US Presidential Proceedings
Special Features
~ MADHOUSE Presents: Bitchin' 80s
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