One-on-one with MADHOUSE.

From: its a mad hause
Subject: u suk
Message: lol da mad house kin lik muh kok. lol a.c.r.o.n.y.m.

Pat PJ McPats Responds: O I C U R M T?

Ryan Responds: Once, when driving at night, a car behind me had its high-beams on and they were getting me right in the eye. I vengefully slowed to exactly the speed limit while Eric, the Big "E", rolled down his window, put his head out, and shouted "cock-licker!" at the top of his lungs. When the car finally turned off the road, we could see that it had hood-mounted lights and was in fact a police car.

It turns out that by sarcastically slowing to exactly the limit, I had saved myself a speeding ticket. The mystery is why the cop didn't pull us over for shouting "cock-licker!" at him.

Why do I tell you this? Not because we had encountered the most submissive policeman ever, but because even when we were shouting "cock-licker!" out of a window at midnight, we had the good sense to spell it right.


Eric, the Big "E", Responds: I've always found that the best way to request oral sex from complete strangers is through nonsensical letters. Your letter has pushed the right buttons and, in the words of the 2 Live Crew, "Me So Horny!! Ma-ma-ma-me so horny!" Usually I send letters to girls saying "Me am wanting sexy time now huh? Ha ha ha!! Arghhh!!!" Works every time.

From: smee smoo smay
Subject: a;lsldj
Message: sld gslkdjf fsd.

Eric, the Big "E", Responds: Yah, uh, this isn't even a letter. Does this fulfill any of the criteria for even being a language? Thanks, smee smoo smay, for making the world a little crappier.

From: Jimmy
Subject: jimmy sez
Message: since noone else seems to be takin it to themselves to shine a light on the more pathetic readers of this site, i guess jimmy is steppin in. WTF is wrong with "priya"??? Is this dude foreign? or just an idiot. Yeah, i can see it now, hes gonna go make a website, that condems "Mike" for "dissing" madhouse.

In the words of our russian friend "What IS the world coming to?"

Eric, the Big "E", Responds: Okay, forget what I said about the last letter. At least it was apparent that that guy wasn't even attempting to make any sense. This guy is, but he sadly ends up making just as little sense. What the hell are you talking about?

From what I can tell, you're asking what's wrong with "priya" cause she wants to make a website that condemns "Mike" for "dissing" madhouse. I'd like to see the version of our site that you're seeing, cause it's probably a lot more entertaining. And it probably has a lot more Bleu Nuit pics.

Pat PJ McPats Responds: This is stockwell day, isn't it? Stay in Alberta, you kook.

Ryan Responds: Wha? I understand the letters and the words, but your sentences don't make any sense. Mike's the person who you're susposed to hate, not Priya. And where does she talk about making a web-sight? So much of your message is incredible, unholy.

From: Fellow
Subject: I refuse to touch that thing
Message: No, I mean it this time. There is no way in hell you can make me touch that goddamn thing. If you want to know what it is than YOU touch it or look up a picture of it the library. Honestly.

Pat PJ McPats Responds: Yup, Sally Struthers has really let herself go.

Mr. T gets the POINT.Mr T Responds: I ain't touching that mess, sucka!

Eric, the Big "E", Responds: Wow, thanks, Mr. T. Thanks a whole fuckin' lot.

From: Ryan (Evil Twin Variety)
Subject: I am the real Ryan
Message: If you have read the subject of this electric mail then you already know the purpose of this communication. I would like to submit to you the very real concept that I am in fact the real Ryan.

True enough I look like Ryan in a photo negative but I am telling you that the Ryan currently working with you on MADHOUSE is in fact Phil Collins with some artful surgical alterations. I am unaware of his true purpose but I beg of you Eric and Pat, please stop this madman. Shot him and not me for I am your longtime chum.

Pat PJ McPats Responds: You don't have to tell me to shoot Ryan twice. Or Phil Collins, for that matter. Damn Genesis... everyone knows it should've stopped when Peter Gabriel left.

I've had my own run-in with evil selves, although most of them had goatees, but I still know how to handle this... I'll ask you a question only the REAL Ryan could answer: How many times have Oliver and Victor been more than "just friends"?

Eric, the Big "E", Responds: I ain't falling for that again! I've already killed 3 evil clones, and I got thrown in the slammer every single time. Just try explaining to the cops that you didn't kill someone, that you killed their "evil clones." How did I escape? Well, it's a long story, but needless to say that it's a story of the triump of the human spirit.

Ryvic Responds: Hello.

As you can tell by the picture to your left, I am the real evil-twin of Ryan, but also of Victor! That's right, I am the Ryvic, the object of photomanipulation by a now-dead insane asylum escapee, coupled with a burst of strange and impossible-to-reproduce cosmic radiation.

I have Ryan's sense of humour and Victor's pants.

From: Anonymous Benefactor
Subject: Benefaction Anonymously
Message: Dear Madhouse peeps:
I have included with this message a copy of a woodcut circa 1842(?) in which the discerning eye can see a man in a woppish pose, with britches and a fine top-hat. The beginnings of a boat are in the background, as is a fine example of a light-house. I believe this man to be Jack the Ripper. Any thoughts?

Jack the Ripper?

Ryan Responds: Jack the Ripper always held a knife and grinned in his photos, so it can't be him. Unless....

Jack the Ripper!!

That fiend!

From: diamond in the ruff
Subject: good dog
Message: i am a good dog who knows how to type. my name is diamond. i am a diamond in the ruff.

Eric, the Big "E", Responds: : That's pretty impressive. The best my dog can do is balance on his ass for hours at a time. I thought it was the coolest thing ever, but I stand corrected.

Ryan Responds: A dog who puns? Purrr-fect.

oh, hell.

From: digras
Subject: bo do de do
Message: if you ask me, you guys should send emails to that 2000 flushes guy! he's idea is a really "crappy" one.

you can use that in the emails if you want!

later keep up the grood work.

Ryan Responds: Well, I tried, but 2000 Flushes doesn't seem to have a web presence. is a queer pirate-radio site.

What a shame: I had written this email that even worked in a great bit about how my 2000 flushes never worked because they kept getting flushed down with the rest of my business. But now; nothing.

So thanks for your suggestion anyway; we'll keep up the grood work as long as we can.

Eric, the Big "E", Responds: Never have I heard such a "shitty" idea. It really "stinks"! Ha ha ha! It's a really "bad" thing to do. Hey, that wasn't a pun! Ahh, who the hell cares. No one's gonna read this far anyway.

Do not let it go twice unsaid:

email to

Previous Mailbags:

July 1 - July 9
In which much Vitamin B is discussed, along with a bicycle powered by Playboy bunnies.
July 10 - July 29
A celebrity mailbag with the Joker, Mr. T, Mr. Spock, and Professor Science.
July 29 - September 1
Bumper stickers, Carrot top,
September 1 - October 8
Breast implants and shampoo-induced orgasms. AND MORE.

All Content 2000.