One-on-one with MADHOUSE, or rather, various celebrities.
Special Message From Professor Science

Here's 20 great and scientific ways to get stains out of fabric. If you have trouble following these instructions, don't be shy to ask an adult for help!

1. to clean up spills, sprinkle immediately with salt. When the oven has cooled, brush away the burnt-on food with a damp sponge.

2. OR, sprinkle with automatic dish washing powder, cover with wet paper towels, let stand for a few hours, then clean with a damp sponge.

3. to eliminate odors, keep an open box of baking soda, a small bowl of charcoal (from the plant store) or a piece of cotton dipped in vanilla extract in your refrigerator.

4. to prevent mildew, wipe down the inside occasionally with white vinegar.

5. to clean underneath the refrigerator, tie a sock around the end of a yardstick!

6. dip a damp rag in baking soda to clean up any inside spots.

7. for odors, sprinkle baking soda in the bottom and let stand overnight.

8. for film on dishes and the inside of the dishwasher, put a bowl with 1 cup bleach in the bottom of the washer. Run through the wash cycle but do not dry. Then fill the bowl with 1 cup white vinegar and run through an entire cycle.

9. keep them clean with baking soda.

10. fill the container half with hot water and a couple of drops of dish detergent. Cover and blend; rinse and dry.

11. loosen dirt with a toothbrush and run a paper towel through the cutting assembly. Then spray with non-stick vegetable spray.

12. for a shiny white sink, cover with paper towels saturated in bleach. Let stand for about 30 minutes; then rinse thoroughly with cool water.

13. to dissolve grease in a clogged drain, pour 1 cup salt and 1 cup baking soda down the drain followed by a kettle of boiling water.

14. shine them with club soda or white vinegar.

15. after normal use, wipe with a damp cloth and dry with a soft cloth.

16. to deep clean, wipe with a solution of ammonia and water or dish detergent and water. Dry thoroughly to avoid spots.

17. for water spots or hard water build-up, wipe with white vinegar and flush well with water, then buff with dry cloth.

18. treat rust marks by rubbing with lighter fluid. Then wipe clean with a liquid cleaner.

19. keep it smelling sweet by grinding citrus rind. Or use the discarded baking soda after it has finished absorbing odors in the refrigerator.

20. to clean copper pots: fill a spray bottle with vinegar and 3 tbs. salt. Spray on the copper, let stand for a while, then rub clean. Or try toothpaste, Worcestershire sauce or ketchup. Or dip a lemon half in salt and rub.

From:Bwanapoo McGupta (MVP 1984)
Subject: "catchy phrase"
Message: How about a "catchy phrase" for the mailbag at madhouse?
How about: "Let's talk"
or one that rhymes:
"Let's talk, Mr. Spock" or "let's talk, a lot"
PS Font is too small

Mr. T. Responds: Yeah, I got your catchy phrase right here, mutha. How 'bout this: "I'm gonna catchya, and throw yo ass helluva far, foo'!". Anyone got some cereal and milk? Pittyin' this foo' makes Mr. T hungry.

Mr. Spock Responds: Spock here. All communication channels are open to "talk with Mr. Spock." One thing does trouble me, however. Your primitive "Internet" so characteristic of the early 21st century should not have any record of my existance, as I will not be born until the 23rd century. A quick search, however, does lead to many pages with reams of information regarding Captain Kirk, the Enterprise, many with intimate details known only to the crew. Indeed, videos are available for download which seem to indicate that a camera crew was actually present on the Bridge.... It seems only logical to deduce that, no matter how improbable it seems, I am nothing more than a fictional character.

This is quite unsettling.

Must... struggle.. to keep emotions... under... A-HA-HA-HA...control... BOO-HOO-HOO.. control!

From: The Joker
Subject: Your Imminent Demise
Message: You're doomed, doomed, Madhouse team!! I have injected you with the venom of the black widow into your veins. Your fates are sealed!!! Ha ha ha!! With no one left to stop me, I shall rule all of Madhouse!!!!!

Batman Responds: Not so fast, Joker. We took anti-black widow venom pills. And, thanks to the riddle that the Riddler left behind, we'll soon be on your trail of evil. Robin, put on your thinking cap:

What flys around that you cannot see?
Whose antics make you scream with glee!

Hmm....flys, airplane, propellor. "Cannot see"? Blind, glasses... optometrist! And the second clue... "Antics make you scream with glee"? Well, there's only one answer to this: It's a hooker, Robin. I've got it! He's at the optometrist-owned hooker-themed airport company. Quick, to the Batmobile!

From: G.
Subject: Blood
Message: What's the best way to get blood out of fabric?

OJ Simpson Responds: Here's something Martha Stewart wont tell you: the real trick isn't to get the blood out, it's to contaminate the stain so much that DNA tests will prove inconclusive! I reccomend copious amounts of dog semen and chicken blood. If all else fails, leave a pair of gloves 2 sizes too small at the scene. Hey, it worked for me!

Professor Science Responds: G., the best way to get blood out of fabric is to be careful when you're playing and experimenting so that you don't get hurt.

But if you have cut yourself and gotten blood on your clothes, you should treat the affected area immediately with a paste of cornstarch and cold water. Rub lightly and place the fabric in sun to dry. What happens here, G., is the energy from the sun will draws the blood out into the cornstarch in physio-chemical reaction. All you have to do now is brush off the residue and repeat if necessary! If you want to learn more about getting stains out of fabric, check out the column I've written to the left - it's got 20 fun and educational ways to get yourself clean!





Previous Mailbags:

July 1 - July 9
In which much Vitamin B is discussed, along with a bicycle powered by Playboy bunnies.

All Content 2000.