Page 2... yup

The kid drawing must be 12... He must've been sketching that picture for 5 minutes, but the other two idiots were too busy chastising him for exceeding the age limit to solve the mystery picture.

It's not rocket science guys, it's pictionary for retards.

The magnanimous visage of goddamn Alan Thicke

Can someone tell me just what the hell happened to Alan Thicke's eyes?

The last time I watched Growing Pains, I could swear that he wasn't some kind of eyeless mutant.

We can only imagine what the Mastermind's diabolical pegs at work looked like.

A Scooby dooby melody, Scatman!

Scatman sez: "Everybody stutters, one way or the other, so check out my message to you!

As a matter of fact I don't let nothin' hold you back. If the Scatman can do it, so can you!"

Thanks Scatman, those are inspirational words for us all.

Fighting crime in a future time!

Now you too can fight crime in a future time, kids.

Click here for the COPS theme song.

I think we all know the Vic20's greatest use: "Vic: for driving children into a primitive frenzy!".

On the other hand, I'm beginning to suspect that the child's excitement may not stem from the Vic, as hard as that may be to believe. Maybe gramps just has his hand somewhere it shouldn't be.

I know the past is pretty much a shitty waiting room for today. But, even in a waiting room you may luck upon some porn buried in the piles of coverless People magazines.

But honestly, keeping this book around is like choosing the waiting room chair next to the fat-ass who had Taco Bell for lunch.

Wow!

I can hardly contain my excitement!

Click here to see some more of the crappiest masks ever conceived by the devilish Denver Coloring Book company.


'As much fun as the T.V show?! I hope I don't shit myself!'

Digging through my basement, I first stumbled upon this classic board game. Wow, "Win Lose or Draw... Junior!".

It wasn't bad enough that this show helped keep Alan Thicke's career alive, now it's clogging up my basement with useless cardboard? At least the box is clearly marked "As Much Fun As The T.V Game Show!". Ooooh, I hope I don't shit my damn pants.

In fact, the whole box is riddled with mysteries... like what the hell is with the age limit? 8 to 11 years old only? At age twelve can you no longer draw shitty pictures of Abe Lincoln? Upon your twelfth birthday do green, blue and yellow pieces of plastic suddenly lose their otherwise inexorable charms?

Frankly I don't see how the hell this game differs from the adult version. Maybe parents get special adult pencils which make their drawings seem less shitty.

'Prepare to die at the hands of my most fiendish peg arrangement yet, insolent fools!'

Next up is the Mastermind Game. Not to be confused with the ass-kicking Patrick Stewart movie, this game consists of... randomly arranging coloured pegs?

This game wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the pathetic super-villain on the cover. He's been in that pose for about 6 days, waiting for James Bond to bust in and demand the secrets of his insidious Peg arrangement.

The Asian chick is about to bend over and say "Psssst, it's been almost a whole fucking week. I don't think he's going to show up."

I get the feeling that someone was taking a leak when the super-powers were being handed out. Apparently this guy only got the ability to hold in a crap for 6 days.

Color and Music? It's like a fucking blowjob for my mind!

Luckily I had more than just board games to play with as a child. I also had the most awesome power in all the western world. Yes, you heard right, the Vic20 home computing system. Despite the fact that it actually used audio cassettes to record data, the box suggests that it apparently had no end of uses.

The box (pictured above and below) implies that randomly coloured pixels will prove a huge boon in understanding Pythagorean equations and Marketing. And oooh, if we're lucky, it may play a horribly distorted version of "oh Suzanna" through it's pounding 2 watt speakers. After all, the Vic20 did have Color, and Music!

Color and Music? It's like a fucking blowjob for my mind!

Vic: for driving children into a primitive frenzy!

Vic for science indeed... I heard that the Vic played an instrumental role in the human genome project. The 8 trillion bytes of data were stored on old WHAM! tapes confiscated at the peak of cold-war paranoia. Personally I think that captain science over there is only trying to pinpoint his interest in the Vic20 with that microscope.

I can hardly recognize you... you normally look so shitty!

Great job, Denver Coloring Book company. You've pretty much spoiled a childhood free of shitty masks. Was there ever a time in our collective culture when someone thought that this book wasn't a fucking stupid idea?

I still remember the horror that flowed through my body as I recently found this piece of crap in a box in my basement.

Repressed memories came flooding back about the years I spent in terror as a child. Every day I thought "Today may be the day that I'm forced to make one of these retarded masks".

Behold Zombie Thicke
The Professor concocts a daring scheme.

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He-man, Edison Twins and Giant Robots!
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Where it all began

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